Hey everyone
here is my UPenn supplement essay..
I would appreciate every kind of critic..
Thank you..
"True learning should indeed be the great aim and end of all learning", said once the great founder of UPenn, Benjamin Franklin. University of Pennsylvania, with its 4,199 faculties and 92 undergraduate majors, is where true learning can be pursued, where students have the chance to put themselves into situations they are not sure they are going to succeed at. This basically makes UPenn my first choice university.
Since currently my interests are linked to neuroscience, I would like to pursue the Biological Basis of Behavior Program (BBB), My attention was especially attracted by the Mahoney institute of Neurological Sciences, one of the best institution in the world for neuroscience research and training. This institution is the best example I can think about that highlights the importance given to the practical knowledge as much as to theoretical knowledge at UPenn. Searching and, why not, discovering new, even little aspects of human brain is what I am aiming to: it might bring me on the path for professional growth and making a tiny difference in people's life, which would be for me a really satisfying goal.
What I essentially like of UPenn is the dynamic community, that presents itself like a big international family that embraces alumni from all over the world and teachers together. Looking at the brochure and at the website the smiling students and the amazing view of Philadelphia city have me always been having the perception to belong to this environment. To me the importance of learning is also led to connecting different interests and keeping diverse avenues open. The Interdisciplinary Program offered by UPenn promotes this opportunity to explore new involvements, as taking courses in the other three undergraduate schools that are found at the campus. I consider it a great fortune, a way to steep in different disciplines and to view the world not only from one perspective.
The Academically Based Community Service is a perfect example of an active participation I would take in trying to solve community matters with exchanging opinions. Courses like "Nutritional Anthropology" and "The Art of Speaking: Communication Within the Curriculum Speaking Advisor Training" are great to make real this participation.
Being part of such a diverse community that furthers the develop of new ideas ,thanks also to the teachers that push students' minds to think in different ways and to develop their analytical skills, and full of opportunities to improve and increase my knowledge and aptitudes would be a great joy for me just as it would be a pleasure contributing to it.
"with its 4,199 faculties and 92 undergraduate majors" you don't need to tell the school their own statistics, unecessary part
"one of the best institution in the world for neuroscience research and training. " -dont need to compliment/tell them how famous their program is, they know
"What I essentially like " -repetitive from your basically makes Upenn my first choice
You need to relate the school more to your specific needs and goals rather than praising the institution repeatedly!
1.don't say currently "Since currently my interests " it makes it sound like you're not sure and you might change
2. that presents itself like a big international family Family is extremely cliche! try to get around explicitly saying that but still hint at it
3. i like how you're specific with the clases..it shows you did your research
overall good job! read it a couple times and you'll naturally find minor errors that are easy to fix!
can you help me with my stanford vitality and what matters essay please.
It's well-written and my only suggestion is that don't use the words of Franklin.there are soooooooooo many people using them and it would makes you generic.
Just my suggestion,hope it could help.
I was extremely sad. It was December 31, 2010 and I had finally decided to tell my Dutch host parents everything: I hadn't made friends since being there and I hated my school. Tears were coming down from my eyes while my words fully expressed my unhappiness. They told me to keep trying. Conclusion: I wasn't allowed to change school. Three weeks later I was exhausted and they told me that I may switch schools. Since then, my year went perfectly.
Later on, I realized that I epically(Try using a different word) failed. I was frightened by the new, by the answer that would have been if I asked a girl in my class to go shopping together. I feared a failure.
I now strongly believe that despair leaves room for discoveries to be made, brings into question our in securities, carrying the only real satisfaction, which comprises of both failures and accomplishments.
Consider condensing your anecdote and adding why this matters to you and what you have done to better your future. Also try using elevated diction to have more meaning in what you are saying.
I think the first one is great!Especially the part of your imagination,it's amazing!
About the second one, I think you may need some balance, make your problem shorter and add more things about how things make you change and how do you change,otehrwise I don't feel you answer the prompt properly.
Over all it's great!
Would you please look at my essays?THX!
