Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 8


"True love" - UC undergrad admission personal statement


umrily181 3 / 7  
Nov 4, 2009   #1
prompt: tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. what about this quality or accomplishment makes your proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

True love is the one quality that many are incapable of experiencing in today's modern world. People are continuing to become detached from pure feelings due to what television shows, the media, and music that revolve around pop culture display. Love was once a sacred emotion between two people and not just a game of give and take as portrayed in Hollywood lifestyle and movies that younger generations follow. Love has nearly gone from an eternal bond between two people to a drunken decision made by two people reaching for more than what is inside. Love exists in many forms such as the love for money, fame or for any personal desire; however, those things can disappear at any given time. Even though, there are not many who can achieve this, I believe true love must have the same innocence as a mother loving her child; where unconditional love is given to the other expecting nothing in return.

As a child I constantly dreamed of my future and imagined finding the man that would love me with pure, true love. As I grew older I saw my dreams begin to shatter in front of me. Everyone around me seemed to avow their faith but swallow their oath again and again as if these words meant nothing; in turn, they would move onto others with a heart unhurt. I began to ask myself, "Was love really as innocent, pure and beautiful as I thought it was? Was there anyone like me that had the pursuit for true love in them? I began to lose hope.

It was in that moment of increasing despair when I met my amazing boyfriend and future husband. Only with him was I able to bring out my quality of sincere love and bestow it upon him to its full extent. Since he walked into my life I feel at ease where ever I am, and no longer feel like a stranger in this world. Love was my cure, but not any love...his love, true love. Until people learn to practice pure love between one another, their pain will always engender more pain. Since love is loyal, it purchases one who is loyal, which is why I found my Omar Shaik. Now that I know genuine love exists I am able to better concentrate on my education and become a better person with him by my side. Even though we had nothing materialistic to give to one another we became one and share unpretentious pure love together. He continues to shower me with his adoration and loyalty. We have progressed greatly in our lives becoming more than just lovers but best friends as well that are able to accomplish anything that comes our way.

Meeting him I was able to find peace at heart and in my mind. This endless love that we share is my motivation in life and he is what makes me what I am today. Without him I would have settled for much less than what I can accomplish in life, but since meeting him I am six months ahead of my studies and will be graduating early, moving onto college. The quality of true love is what makes me distinct, for many do not have the potential to grasp this quality and embrace it throughout their lifetime. I hope that one day this quality that has become rare in our modern society will be restored so tranquility can rest in the hearts of people, as it does for my love and me.

*towards the end the sentence that starts with MEETING is suppost to be a new paragraph it keeps not indenting it when i post it

thankyou
Ninja 3 / 9  
Nov 4, 2009   #2
True love: the one quality that many are incapable of experiencing in today's modern world

It's great to see your theme kicks off the essay. But it is not a sentence. Please insert "is" to replace the ":" :D

Abt second sentence:
People have been indoctrinated by the illusions that television shows, the media and music display
Personally I think this will create an illusion that you are referring to general media. May be add a few adjectives like "biased" "exaggerated" there.

Since love is loyal, it purchases one who is loyal,
I don't really understand this sentence....

Well, overall I would say that you definitely brought something special to the table and I can feel that it's very authentic. Your experience is unique. You still need to fix a couple more times so it's easy to understand though. :D Good luck on your admission to UC!
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Nov 4, 2009   #3
word use: inundated sounds odd in the context
don't YOU use you. haha. its not recommended for formal essays.
first paragraph, lays out a strong question. I'd like to see how you answer it. you dont til later... bit distracting from the flow of the paper.

also, why is paragraph two separate from paragraph one. both condemn the concepts of love in today's society. only the last sentence shows your idea..but its not that strong.

word use:dreamt - dreamed

Everyone around me werewas

I began to question [ask sounds a bit better] myself, "was love really as innocent, pure and beautiful as I thought it was? Was this the definition of love I dreamt about?" I began to lose hope. [sounds poetic. third paragraph ends on a bad note. it sounds very depressing. while admission offers want to hear you out, it may not be the best idea to show this much weakness just because of a disillusioned/destroyed [whats a better term?] view about love.

It was in that moment of increasing despair when I met my amazing boyfriend and future husband.
[married yet or no. if not, this is a very strong statement. xD what does it have to do with going to a UC undergrad school]

other comments: you say in the beginning that love in this world is not real love, then in your last paragraph, you flood the reader with images of "true love" and "endless love"

I see your point, that love has taught you that the world does not have to be a harsh place, BUT you don't show that until the very end. strengthen your intro with a stronger thesis [if there is one about love, i think you make one near the end] about love. while it may be a way of leading up to how you are now, I think you should focus more on yourself and your experiences, instead of bashing pop culture. I'm not sure what to say about your boyfriend/husband relationship...

note: love sounds promiscuous oftentimes in your essay. I hope other people dont get that feeling, its rather odd for a college essay, though it IS a unique way of expressing yourself.
Mayada 6 / 96  
Nov 5, 2009   #4
It's unique, and I love your style of writing..
However, when a UC admission officer reads it, maybe when he tries to picture you in the university there, he's assume that without love, when you stop believing in it, or when you're heartbroken you will lose everything, and stop trying so hard..

When you write, try to picture the person reading it, and what impression he/she will have after reading it, and whether the way you described yourself in the essay shows that you will adapt and succeed in the university you are applying to..
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Nov 5, 2009   #5
A lot of your essay is just generalized explanations, with no personal anecdotes. I found it very easy to lose interest in your essay, due to the lack of personal writing in your essay.

For example:

True love: the one quality that many are incapable of experiencing in today's modern world. [...] What has happened to the time when love was a sacred emotion between two people, and not just a game of give and take as portrayed in Hollywood lifestyle and movies that younger generations follow?

^There was no need to ramble aimlessly on what love is.

Love has gone from an eternal bond between two people to a drunken decision made by two people reaching for more than what is inside. Love exists in many forms such as the love for money, jewelry, fame or any personal desire; however, those things can disappear at any given time. I believe true love must have the same innocence as a mother loving her child; where unconditional love is given to the other expecting nothing in return.

^Then another paragraph on just love in general, just bored me.

True love possesses the strength to change the worst for the better and I hope that one day this quality that has become rare in our modern society will be restored so tranquility can rest in the hearts of people, as it does for my love and me.

^Also, what makes you so certain that your definition of true love is not flawed?
OP umrily181 3 / 7  
Nov 5, 2009   #6
Thankyou all so much for your help i will be sure to make corrections and post my revised version :]
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Nov 5, 2009   #7
Much better, it's more personal. but even so, you still have the images of pop culture dominate your first paragraph. But if that was what you intend, it works I guess.

People are continuing to becomecontinue to be detached from pure feelings due to whatbecause of the pop culture displayed through television shows, the media, and music that revolve around pop culture display . (what do you mean by media? movies/newspapers/etc.)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 6, 2009   #8
I'm so impressed with this thread. Faisal, Jonathon, Mayada, Christina, Huan Meng "Ninja", and HongqingZhao, I look forward to helping with all your essays. Thanks for the great work here.


Home / Undergraduate / "True love" - UC undergrad admission personal statement
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳