Unanswered [2] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES

Undergraduate   Posts: 14

"trying to get into UC Davis" - My lovely personal statement!

Sep 8, 2009   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how has your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I'm a senior at Santa Cruz High School in California and trying to get into UC Davis!
lemme know whatcha think! thank youuu!

Lack of money has always impacted my life. My mother left my family due to my family's economic struggle. I always wondered what life would have been like living with my mother; if my brother wouldn't have gotten that nose infection, if my oldest brother would be a talented violin player, or if I would have straight A's in my classes. Though things didn't turn out as I wanted them to, I am still grateful to be where I am. My parents, through their struggles, showed me the value of education, and how it can improve the quality of life.

My mother and father had an arranged marriage. After having three children, and being the first generation living in America , my parents encountered difficulty earning money. My mother, only having a high school degree, agreed that she would work in Taiwan while my father ran the family restaurant. After some time, my parents realized that their marriage wasn't working so they eventually divorced. Their time apart, however, strained my parents' relationship, causing my mother to permanently stay in Taiwan . My mother's absence, at first, was extremely difficult for me, especially because my father worked seven days a week. With the long, stressful hours at work, he didn't have time to manage our household so my brothers and I decided to run it ourselves.

When I started attending elementary school my father and mother agreed that every other year I would live in Taiwan with my mother. Attending school in Taiwan for a year and the next year in America made learning English and Chinese difficult. As school became more challenging my father decided I should stay permanently in America for middle school. Seeing the situation my mother and father were in made me realize how money can tear a family apart. I realized the more I hold off on school work, the more I'm preparing myself to a life of hard labor. I started over in seventh grade and did every assignment in class. If I didn't understand the concept, I would stay in for office hours to receive extra tutoring.

As the years passed, my father lost his restaurant and became a delivery driver. My brothers and I decided it was best if we all had our own jobs to support ourselves. I was thirteen years old when I began my first job in a candy store. I started saving my money and buying things that I needed and wanted. Having a job at such a young age gave me an early start to becoming self-reliant. I learned to balanced my work and school hours on my own. I learned that time was precious and should never be wasted.

Through my mother's absence, and my father's busy workdays, I learned that having a higher education can improve the quality of life. Though my parents didn't directly guide me, they taught me the important lesson of responsibility by having me overcome challenges on my own. I hope to study Biology at UC Davis, and enter UCSF Dental School . Being a dentist will not only benefit me, and my family, it will also satisfy my interest with children. Seeing my parents struggle in both countries, I learned that life shouldn't be spent through struggles, but by overcoming these struggles and achieving your goals.

Sep 8, 2009   #2
I really like your essay alot! It was very moving. However, there are some areas that are a little bit too long. For example, the fourth paragraph. In the fourth paragraph just try to sum up the beginning a little bit but keep the ending, it's great! Also, in the last paragraph the sentence - "We talk once every week over the web can for about two hours." You spelt web cam wrong. In the same paragraph, try to re-word the sentence - "We have such a close similarity we are like the same person." It just sounds a little weird. All in all great job!
Sep 8, 2009   #3
Wow it's a well-written essay. However, it's a long essay.. What's the word limit?
I recommend you cut off some details and revise it. Try not to have any grammar mistakes here and there!
Well done!!
Sep 8, 2009   #4
But in the eyes of my parents, they felt betrayed by their families. After numerous times of thinking about divorcing,their first child was born, then another, and another .(consider "they had their first child, then the second, and then the third child.) Earning money was difficult for my mother and father; therefore , they both agreed that my mother would return to Taiwan while my father ran the family restaurant. My mother's absence at first was a difficult for all of us. We didn't know how to clean the house or where to start. My father knew even less than we did. With my mother in Taiwan , she made what she calls, her "biggest mistake". She fell in love with another man. The dark secret started to spread and my father told her she could never come back to America . We were all raised to hate our mother and despise her (hate and despise mean the same thing, you might want to replace one of the words) , and at a time it worked.

Hope this helped. Your writing has is very emotional. Try to cut the word count down but keep the emotion. Good job.
EF_Simone [Moderator]  
Sep 17, 2009   #5
You've got a strong story here. You just need to tighten up the narrative so that you have room at the end to be more specific about your aims and aspirations. Take out any extra words and vague platitudes about education. Then, at the end, say specifically what you hope to study and achieve.

My mother left our family when I was about four years old . Like most situations in America, my parents are separated and since then I wasn't able to see my mother as much. I always wondered what life would have been like living with my mother. Would my brother have gotten that nose infection? Would I have straight A's in my classes? Would my brother still be playing the violin? Well, my brother did get his silly nose infection; my brother stopped playing the violin; and I am not the brightest tool in the shed, but I am still thankful to be where I am today. My mother leaving showed us how important it is to do what truly makes you happy. Even though she lives across the world from me (omit comma) and our deepest conversations are via web cam, we have a great relationship. Because of my mom I grew up knowing the importance of education and how it can open many opportunities to a successful life .
OP asianbaybay  
Sep 17, 2009   #6
thanks so much! that really helped
Sep 17, 2009   #7
You should try to use more active voice rather than passive in your essay.

" My mother and father were arranged to become husband and wife for their family. "
EF_Sean [Moderator]  
Sep 17, 2009   #8
I am not the brightest tool in the shed

Can you guess what you don't want to tell the admissions officers? Also, it's something of a mixed metaphor -- the prime quality of most tools is not their brightness.
Sep 19, 2009   #9
actually, I am moved about what you wrote.

you are great.
EF_Simone [Moderator]  
Sep 25, 2009   #10
Through my mother's absense I learned that you can do anything if you have the right state of mind.

don't blame her for leaving; I believe her absence has made me an independent woman .
Oct 3, 2009   #11
when you say my mother left in the beginning, it sounds very negative, but then it gets a little more positive when you say its only to make more money, therefore undermining the seriousness of the situation
Oct 4, 2009   #12
Seeing the situation my mother and father were in made me realize how money can tear a family apart.

that seems like a passive sentence.

When I started attending elementary school my father and mother agreed that every other year I would live in Taiwan with my mother.

school, my

With my mother in Taiwan, my parents realized their marriage simply did not work so they eventually divorced and my mother stayed in Taiwan .

thats heck of a lot of sentences in one sentence. break it up or something.

My father worked seven days a week, he didn't have time to manage our household.

that's a runon sentence.

Therefore, they agreed that my mother would work in Taiwan while my father ran the family restaurant.

ran a family rest.

My mother and father were an arranged marriage.

they weren't a marriage. they HAD an arranged marriage.

check for where you need commas. you have a lot of places where there should be commas.

please read mine:
Oct 4, 2009   #13
Ditto to the corrections above.

Okay, although you do make a fairly well done attempt at connecting your essay to an overall message, I find that you seem to overlook a lot of things in the process. I mean, throughout the essay, I was wondering: what about your father's guidance? Sure, he was at work most of the time, but to say that you don't need guidance at all is a stretch. You can even get "guidance" from other outside stories and such.

However, it's pretty difficult to describe these complexities in a limited essay, but this statement seemed too assumptive for me.
Oct 4, 2009   #14
comment on verily's opinion. I can see how verily is thinking that. to address that problem, i think you should specify "guidance of family". general guidance would be, as verily said, a bit of a stretch because there are counselors, teachers, etc. i know how hard it is not having support from family, and i feel like you can make this essay strong because the overarching theme can be strong if you write it well enough. good luck (:

Home / Undergraduate / "trying to get into UC Davis" - My lovely personal statement!