Could you please help me out with criticing my essay?
Getting into Florida State University has always been my dream. When I started to write this essay, it seemed as if I was in over my head; whereas, now it is apparent that "Vires, Artes, Mores" are part of my life. I have developed strength, skills, and character though my personal life experience, and I know that I would uphold the values of being a Florida State Seminole.
To begin, academically, I diligently apply myself to grasp fully new concepts. I study hard and spend extra time reviewing my work so that nothing holds me back from my high scholarly expectations for myself. The value of hard work has been taught to me by my mom, who reared my brother and me alone. My learning disabled brother, who graduated this past June, taught me perseverance. In my family, we have learned delayed gratification, passing up a little now to obtain a greater reward in the future.
Being multilingual is the skill I am most proud of because my fluent Spanish has enabled me to help others. The languages I speak, read, and write fluently are English and Spanish, which I have been taught from birth. With my ability to speak Spanish, I have assisted teachers by translating for students who do not speak English. Likewise, in my community I have interpreted as well as translated for Spanish-speaking people. In high school, I decided to study another language, French, which has been easier for me to acquire with my bilingual ability. I now am able to assist more people. It is a wonderful feeling to use my talent in order to help others.
One of the ways I have demonstrated Mores, or character, is in the tenth grade. All the NJROTC cadets were planning to attend a Military Ball. The girls were going to have new dresses, and their hair and nails done at a salon. My mom could only afford the thirty dollars for my ticket. I tried on my Quinceanera dress, and after alterations, it looked perfect. My mom's best friend, a hairdresser, agreed to style my hair in exchange for sweeping and mopping her floor. Everything was working out fabulously except for my nails. It was brought to my attention, that there was going to be work picking peanuts the morning of the dance. That day I worked harder than ever. We were being paid by the bucket, and the other workers were fast. It would take seven buckets at three dollar a piece to be able to earn enough money to have my nails done. At two o'clock, we had finished the field, and I had 6 1/2 buckets, not quite enough. Two comrades gave me enough peanuts to complete my seventh bucket. That evening was a fairytale come true. I felt like Cinderella, dancing all night, not showing that I was the least bit tired. Who needs a Fairy God Mother to make your dreams come true, when you have Vires, Artes, and Mores?
Hi Delilah,
You essay is probably one of the better ones that I read with respect to the essays that were meant for Florida State. I liked reading it and I am impressed with the fact that you were so eager to use your bilingual status to assist others who did not speak English. This showed in your writing! You write rather well.
I only found a few errors that need to be corrected. One of them involve the passive voice. You will find that it reads better in the active. Otherwise, the essay is terrific!
Mark :)
I have developed strength, skills, and character thr ough my personal life experience,
I study hard and spend extra time reviewing my work so that nothing holds me back from my high scholarly expectations forof myself.
The value of hard work has been taught to me by my mom
--> This sentence is in the passive voice; it needs to be changed to the active voice.
