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"Tryouts" - essay prompt 1


sncooper10 2 / -  
Nov 24, 2008   #1
Would this work for essay prompt 1 because i feel like i wrote about to specific of an experience?

Thanks!

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Tryouts were about to start, so my best friend and I began to pass the ball back and forth. I was both excited and nervous for the tryouts to begin, but as soon as they started I felt exhilarated and ready to play. When the first day of tryouts finished my friend and I walked off the field laughing and talking about school.

The next day, I walked onto the field ready to start warming up with my friend, but as soon as I joined her warm-up group, she became distant and cold. Immediately, I knew something was wrong. During the water break, she came over and apologized for her behavior, so I asked her what was wrong. Nervously, she confessed that her father, who was in the stands watching the tryouts, had told her earlier in the day not to practice or warm-up with me because I was in a lower division of soccer than her. According to her father, any association with me during tryouts reduced her chances of making it onto a team. Obviously, my best friend was torn between her father and me, so I told her everything was fine and went to play with another group of people. However, that night tears began to stream down my face as soon as I stepped inside our mini-van to go home.

However, on Saturday, I proved my friend's father wrong because the results were posted and I was on the team. My division made no difference to the coaches and my skill landed me a spot on the team.

A couple of weeks later, my team had a conditioning practice in order to get into shape. As soon as we all put on our tennis shoes the coach told as that we would be running a field ladder or in other words 3 miles. We all lined up on the track and as soon as our coach yelled start we began to run. I started out in the middle of the pack but each lap we ran I slowly began to pass many of my teammates. Once we were two-thirds of the way done a few people dropped out completely and sat down on the grass. By this time I was around one or two laps ahead of many of the people and only had a couple more laps to go.

Finally, I was on my final lap and I could see my coach standing next to my friend's father at the finish line. Seeing his face brought back all the anger and sadness I had felt a couple weeks earlier, but this time instead of crying, I ran faster. As I crossed the finish line and passed him, I felt great because I had succeeded in out running my entire team. Just because I had been in a lower division did not make me lesser to rest of the team.

The look on my friend's father's face afterwards proved that I had shown a class does not define me as a person. I will always aspire to accomplish my goals and not let people like him keep me from reaching my dreams.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 25, 2008   #2
Good afternoon :)

I do think that this is too specific for their prompt. I believe they are seeking a more general picture of your environment, and how it has influenced you. I wouldn't scrap this piece though, it is very good and you could probably use it for another prompt down the line.

Try to think more generally, in broader terms. For instance, how has your soccer community influenced you?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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