Tufts "let your life speak" - why I want to be a doctor

I know that this isn't the cookie cutter "my parents raised me this way" answer, but I thought it was relevant to the prompt. I was hoping it would be interesting for the reader.

the prompt: There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood, or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. (200-250 words)

I am awoken early on a Tuesday morning by sharp pains throughout my hip, collarbone, wrist and hand. Without opening up a single shade in my room I can already tell that it is going to rain today. These concurrent pains are the result of numerous fractures, dislocations, and sprains that I have suffered throughout the course of my life, and they are exacerbated by changes in the barometric pressure of the atmosphere associated with precipitation. Throughout my childhood, my brother and I were involved in just about every sport ranging from ice hockey to snowboarding. Needless to say, over the years I have become closely acquainted with the emergency room setting. Though I recall certain hospital experiences to be more traumatic and gruesome than others, with each visit I always was amazed by how remarkable the physicians who treated me were.

Having thorough experience in the medical field from the patient perspective has certainly influenced my desire to become a physician. I know the feeling of helplessness that patients experience firsthand; the feeling of laying on a hospital bed with a compound fracture, or with a gash so deep that you can see your femur, and depending solely on your doctor to fix your wounds. I want to go into medicine because I am utterly fascinated by science aspect of the healthcare field, and all of the potential innovations and advancements to be made. However I want to become a doctor because I want to be dependable for my patients, just as the physicians who treated me have been.

Also a second tufts supplement, Which aspects of the Tufts curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application. In short, why Tufts? 50-100 words

Any critique on this? I tried to write it in complete honesty

It is a well-known fact that Tufts offers one of the best undergraduate educations in the world. However, the academics are not the sole reason why Tufts is my top choice. I recently became acquainted with a sophomore international relations major at Tufts. She was one of the most vibrant, exceptional people I have ever met. When I inquired about Tufts, she went above and beyond to inform me of how great the school was. She lightheartedly depicted the student body as "Tufts weird," explaining that the community consists of a diverse pool of hard-working students, each with their own unique interests. The way that she described the school, with such enthusiasm and satisfaction, made me certain that Tufts was exactly where I wanted to be; surrounded by remarkable people like her.

excellent! love it! just a few minor changes to make it more clear:

"Though I recall certain hospital experiences as more traumatic and gruesome than others, with each visit I was always/i] amazed by [i]the physicians who treated me"

"Thorough experience in the medical field from the patient perspective has certainly influenced my desire to become a physician." (take out "Having")

"I desire to go into medicine because I am utterly fascinated by the science aspect of the healthcare field, and all of the potential innovations and advancements to be made."

"However I also want to become a doctor because I aspire to be as dependable for my patients as the physicians who treated me have been."

just some suggestions! take them or leave them

So far, I think that if you are going to make a hook, you should probably just show in the first paragraph maybe one of your incidents. I also think that if you are going to day that the physician was amazing, you should probably tell about what amazed you rather than just saying it.

I think this is a very peculiar series of statements. First off, I feel that calling out clichĂŠs is actually clichĂŠ in most contemporary essays. Just IMO. But i think you are picking up on a very peculiar thing here, that you have the drive to become a doctor because you've had such significant experiences in the service of doctors. Rather than simply being an admirer or whatever else. It makes me think of the quote "The truth can set you free, only after it's finished with you"... just something to think about. Make sure that you believe what you've written this is a creative way to describe that drive.

*** Please like my response (even if you really dont) so I get credit to delete a thread with my real name on it**

any thoughts on how I could condense the into to one paragraph? I feel like if I take anything out it won't make sense

This essay requires a handful of significant changes. However, it's impossible for me to really help you without knowing the exact prompt. Would you mind posting it?

I will check in tomorrow and see whether you'd like me to comment further. (It's very late here right now.)

St. Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Society of Jesus, encouraged his followers to live their lives in the service of others. How do you plan to serve others in your future endeavors?

400 words

You're not a "bad" writer---what I say here is intended to help...

1. Your initial concerns are valid. Your first two paragraphs are almost totally irrelevant to the prompt.

2. "Hooks" are highly overrated and usually done incorrectly.

3. You have quite a lot more "space" than you think you do. When's it due?

No amount of proofreading or editing can mitigate the problem of being off-topic.

However, I'll address some of the problems present in this draft as I fear you'll repeat them in subsequent drafts:

1. The following are cliches. This means that they are NOT your own words.

sharp pains
I can...tell
it is going to rain
Needless to say
over the years
I know the feeling
live their lives (even though it appears in the prompt)
hard work
rest assured
worth it
look forward

2. Don't try to replace one word with another. It's impossible. The word "precipitation" sticks out like a sore thumb . <---CLICHE lol

The word "service" has an almost infinite number of meanings. This is EXACTLY why colleges ask questions like this. They want to see who can---and can't---say something totally new and original.

I do suggest that you rewrite this essay. However, I don't want you to do it just yet.

First, I'd like for you to write between 200 and 400 words telling what the word "service" means to YOU---not what it means to the world, but to jps. While writing, do NOT concern yourself with impressing anyone. Use the language you would use while talking to a friend. (We'll worry about vocabulary, etcetera, another time.) You can even use cliches if you need to.

Spend no more than 45 minutes on this. I want your least perfect work.

If you choose to do this, I want to see NOTHING involving doctors or the medical profession.

You're obviously a bright, skilled, and ambitious person. I don't want this essay to do anything to harm your chances of getting into BC.

this is very helpful, thank you. I will try to do a total rewrite soon