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Tufts "let your life speak" essay; "raised in a bubble"

vcmk 2 / 3  
Dec 16, 2010   #1
I don't know if this is quite ready so if someone could read it and give me some tips i'd really appreciate it.

There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today.

I was raised in a bubble. Not the type you make with soap or gum, but the type in which people live in a parallel world. A world where nothing can go wrong, a world where there are no problems. My world is not part of the reality that most of the people in my country live every day of their lives in. I am part of a society that is very diverse, and this has offered me the opportunity to become a socially conscious person. Living in Venezuela has opened my eyes to a reality I never could have imagined existed when I lived in the US. Moving back to my home country was difficult for me because I couldn't understand what I saw on the streets. It seemed to me like the whole city could fall apart in a matter of seconds. As I grew a little older started to picture the life I could have had if I would have been born into a different family. Luckily, I have had the possibility to travel, but returning home gets more depressing every time. Despite the fact that many years have gone by most things remain the same or are getting worse. It is sad to see that people are living on the streets and hardly anybody does something about it. The amount of people working for the well being of the country is small, and it is reducing every day. My family has always encouraged me to fight for what I believe in, and that is what I am determined to do. In a matter of time, my country's situation will be my generation's responsibility, and I want to be a part of fixing what I consider to be wrong and very unfair.
Ngozi93 3 / 30  
Dec 16, 2010   #2
I love this paragraph but in my opinion I think you should stick with one concept. Also focus on something that impacted you while you grew up. Is best to talk more about yourself and how you've change for the greater good or matured
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 27, 2010   #3
I don't think "parallel" has any place in the essay. Another adjective would be better. Unrealistic world? Sheltered world? Fantasy world?

...the type in which people live in an unrealistic world -- a world where nothing can go wrong, a world where there are no problems. ----I had to combine these two sentences, because if I did not the second sentence would have been incomplete.

Divide this into 2 or 3 paragraphs. Let the first paragraph end with a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay. I think that is the best way to improve it. It is already impressive though! :-)

Like Ngozi said, it is good to drill one concept into the reader's mind so that she associates you with that concept.

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