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Tufts Supp. Self identity and personal expression revision


bilodeau54 3 / 19  
Jan 3, 2010   #1
So here is a draft of what I was thinking about submitting for the question below. I'm not sure if it is good, but any recommendations on how to make it it better or if I should just start over would be greatly appreciated!!

Prompt: Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014? (200 words)

I do not fit a stereotype. I like sports, but I am not a "jock." I play chess but I am not a "geek." And I am most definitely not a "prep." Instead I consider myself to be more of a renaissance man; I have a vast variety hobbies and talents that comprise my identity. I enjoy hip-hop dancing and rap music, but I can be found sitting at my ceramics wheel for hours at a time, listening to Beethoven. I go out most weekends, but come home and read before bed at night. I want to do good for humanity, but I am by no means Gandhi; whether it be a new pair of Nikes or a slice of strawberry cheesecake, I enjoy my guilty pleasures and never plan on giving them up. Although some have told me my interests conflict with each other, I do not feel this way. In contrast, I see these various endeavors as seizing the best of a variety of cultures in this world. I have chosen not to limit myself in my activities by being branded as a stereotype, and I believe it has made me a happier person. At Tufts, I look forward to further diversifying my interests as I meet individuals from all walks of life, and sharing what I already know with all who are interested.

PLEASE be honest! it will not make me even slightly sad to here "this is terrible" if you give advice on how to improve.

If you want help with one of yours, let me know in your response.

surideku - / 4  
Jan 3, 2010   #2
Although some have told me my interests conflict with each other, I do not feel this way.

Maybe change to "Some have told me my interests conflict with each other, however, I do not feel this way." (or make it two sentences). The one you have is okay but I think putting more emphasis in this sentence will hint that you are going to explain why you are unique.

comprise my identity
Instead of comprise, you can put "encompass"
Hope this helps:)
Thanks so much for the feedback on my BU essay!
OP bilodeau54 3 / 19  
Jan 3, 2010   #3
Thanks for the suggestion, I agree that sentence was weak. And no problem on the BU one.
cheetah777 1 / 18  
Jan 3, 2010   #4
And I am most definitely not a "prep."

That's the only part I'd cut out.
jampamz 6 / 33  
Jan 3, 2010   #5
yeah, mine's really listy as well. but then again the prompt kind of pushed you to be listy.

" In contrast, I see these various endeavors as seizing the best of a variety of cultures in this world."

This is really minor, but "in contrast" kind of takes away from the flow. Maybe "Instead?"
OP bilodeau54 3 / 19  
Jan 3, 2010   #6
Thanks people I have edited it up a bunch with your suggestions and it reads much clearer. First time using the website and it is amazing!! anyone wants something read let me know, glad to give back.


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