I would greatly appreciate if you can review and let me know if there are any ambiguity, sentence stracture or any grammatical errors in the essay or anything else that would make it better. I'm applying as a transfer student. (I've already completed my AAS degree and going for my BS).
I want to thank you in advance for your time and corporation.
-----------------------
Turning Dreams into Realities
By: [name here]
Growing up in a small, quite and a close-knit village in [city], [country], I had little exposure to the larger world, except through newspapers and television. I was able to grow up in a place where few people locked their doors because everyone looked out for each other. It was not uncommon for people to mow their neighbor's lawn or just help in general without being asked for praise. Rarely did I pass someone on the street without making eye contact and offering a friendly greeting, it was just a common courtesy. I viewed the world as a place with relatively few problems, and solutions for the little problems that arose. But on April 18, 2000 my life drastically transformed and my prospective about the world changed forever. It was the day when, not only I stepped down at JFK, but I stepped into a whole new dimension of life. Unaware of what life would be like in the US, I began my quest to turn dream into realities.
My journey began as an unacquainted high school student in the U.S. After being admitted to the 10th grade, I quickly started learning and adopting the necessary skills needed to survive. The way that I think, react, and live eventually started to change. With confidence, I became a very ambitious and hard-working student and within 3 years, I completed the High School curriculum.
Upon graduation because of financial adversity, I was unable to attend college immediately. I acquired a job at the local store. As time passed, I discovered that academic deficiency limited my employment opportunities. My decision to enroll at [college name], a technical college located in the center of [city], formed from various factors. First, I needed an immediate degree. Secondly, I needed a school that can provide low-pressure, low-budget, close-to-home education. Like many non-traditional students, I needed to acquire hands-on experience, a major factor involved in the hiring process of today's competitive business and industry.
I gained interest in computers while attending [college]. Initially I signed for a general office technology program, but as time passed I became facinated by computers. Hence I started attending seminers and discussions on computers. Upon understanding how a computer operates and what role it plays in today's technological world, I became even more intersted and I immdiately knew this is what I wanted to study. Even till to this day, I'm still facinated by computers, networks and technology and thus far this has been the best decision I've ever made.
At [college], I found classes very challenging, yet rewarding and as I achieved a G.P.A. of 3.3 during the first semester, I strove to improve and longed to move up the ladder of success until I reached the top. Receiving a G.P.A. of 3.8 my second semester, I came to appreciate academic stimulation. I had overcome the obstacle of change and found my place in the [college] community. The success of my first year instilled me with a drive to improve myself prompting me to seek greater challenges and rewards.
This past winter, my brother insisted me to go on a campus visit at [name of college I'm applying to] along with his class and so I agreed. I toured the campus, spoke to few students and was very impressed. I could tell students love attending [name of college I'm applying to] . The alumi to whom I spoke said they felt completely at home on campus. From the way they spoke to each other, it seemed as if they had been friends forever. I know I want to feel that way about my college, and to make lifelong friends there, and I believe [name of college I'm applying to] is the university for me.
As a transfer student, I am about to embark on a new path and take another step in my academic journey. It is my goal to make every one of my dreams realities and I believe that [name of college I'm applying to] is a step in the right direction. I am certain that [name of college I'm applying to] will give me ample opportunity to fulfill my academic goals by providing me with the tools I need for continued success as I strive to achieve all of my dreams. [name of college I'm applying to] is my first choice because I believe that [name of college I'm applying to]'s education will best prepare me to catapult myself into an exciting future, in a world much larger and more complicated than the one I knew growing up.
Greetings!
You've written a very fine essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:
Growing up in a small, quiet and close-knit village in
offering a friendly greeting; [use semicolon] it was just a common courtesy.
But on April 18, 2000, [add comma] my life drastically transformed and my perspective about the world changed forever.
I began my quest to turn dreams into realities.
Hence, [add comma] I started attending seminars and
I became even more interested and I immediately knew this was what I wanted to study.
I achieved a G.P.A. of 3.3 during the first semester. [period] I strove to improve
drive to improve myself, [add comma] prompting me
This past winter, my brother insisted that I go on a campus visit at [name of college I'm applying to],[add comma] along with his class, [add comma] and so I agreed.
The alumi to whom I spoke - It's "alumni" but I don't think that's the word you want; it refers to students who have already graduated. If you mean people who are currently attending, just say "students with whom I spoke"
Good work! Best of luck in your studies!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
