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'Tutored English writing' - Admissions Tutors interest essay


pjw7109 7 / 23  
Dec 29, 2011   #1
Please provide information which you feel will be of interest to the Admissions Tutors and will help them know you better, e.g. your reasons for applying to HKU, the chosen curricula, extra-curricular activities, participation in voluntary work, past working experience, career aspirations and other achievements.

Okay. I think unlike US colleges, HKU focuses on the achievements/ scores. So i guess this doesn't require a creativity. So i basically listed out things i've done. PLEASE HELP MOSTLY WITH GRAMMAR. I HEARD THEY RLY LOOK AT GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES. HELP HELP HELP

When I was a kid, my parents were always at work. Being home alone every day, my only leisure activity was reading a newspaper. Reading a newspaper became my daily habit. After learning English, my 'hobby' extended to reading The New York Times daily. While being a dedicated reader for many years, I had an outrageous idea. I decided to write an article and send it to The Korea Times, the biggest English publication in Korea. My first article was about illegal methods Korean teenagers use to gain an access to prestigious American colleges. After submitting an article, an email arrived informing that The Korea Times decided to publish my article. Since March, 2010, I was lucky enough to have five of my articles published in The Korea Times.

I firmly believe that HKU can fulfill my dream of being a journalist. I believe that a pen is more powerful than anything in the world. My goal is to uncover inequity of the government and shed a light on underprivileged people around the globe. HKU's strong journalism program will not only strengthen my writing skill, but will expose me to the world of journalists in Hong Kong. Since many global mass media markets are situated in Hong Kong, I will have more opportunities to work hand by hand with the world's renowned journalists. Hong Kong's freedom of speech and independent media are two appealing factors too. Hong Kong's focus on global perspective is shown in journalism faculty members. I like how a wide array of professors is actual journalists and major researchers.

I've tutored English writing to numerous kids over past four years for free. My favorite students were Minsu and Hyun-suk, the underprivileged kids who I helped to read books and write book reports in English. Also, I went to a Korean school until my 8th grade year. My fluency in Korean enabled me to teach a Korean language class at local Korean school in Alabama. Currently, I am teaching origami and Korean to underprivileged Hispanic kids in Oklahoma.

During summer of 2010, I was given an opportunity to take an internship for the United Nations Project Office on Governance in Seoul. I translated many articles for the convention held in Seoul. Also, by participating in many debate tournaments and seminars, I gained valuable experiences and knowledge. The memorable ones were The Korea International Youth Assembly. As a committee coordinator, I was a leader of twelve people. We debated underemployment in Korea. Also by participating in The Korea Enterprise Challenge, I gained a valuable insight on actual business world.

I am so glad that I have an opportunity to apply to HKU. I am willing to humbly learn and coordinate with other students at HKU.
sunsetblossom 1 / 1  
Dec 30, 2011   #2
Hi there,
So I'll just look at the grammar first:
1. "my only leisure activity" -- leisure is generally used as a noun, meaning "free time". Maybe something like, "the only activity I did at my leisure"?

2. "reading The New York Times daily" -- You should probably quote "The New York Times".
3. "send it to The Korea Times" -- same as #2.
4. "Since March, 2010," -- This is slightly awkward because of the commas. To make it more fluid, you could probably just switch out the comma for "of" : "Since March of 2010..."

5. You abbreviate HKU. I will make an assumption in that you would probably want to type out the entire name of the university. Generally that is the safer route to take. :)

6. "will not only strengthen my writing skill, but will expose me" -- I would recommend you add the world "also" before "expose me", because it is the second thing that "HKU's strong journalism program" will give you. um, Does that make sense? "It will not only strengthen my writing skills, but will also expose me to..."

7. "to work hand by hand with the world's renowned journalists" -- the "Hand by hand" part is awkward. Maybe what you meant was "side by side"?

8. "wide array of professors is actual journalists and major researchers" -- change the "is" to "are".
9. Finally, please watch out for contractions: "I've". I know for a fact that many, many readers do not like them.

As a little P.S., I felt like the final paragraph regarding yourself is a little disconnected from the rest of the essay. If it is possible, try to connect the two, because that final paragraph seems to have little to do with journalism besides the fact that you show interest in language/linguistics. Maybe draw FROM those experiences why you want to study journalism even more!
rockbiter 1 / 16  
Dec 30, 2011   #3
The sentence structure is kind of repetitive: blah blah blah, I blah blah blah... It could use some restructuring and some sentence variety. To me, it basically seems like a list in paragraph form. Also, your last two sentences do not at all go along with the rest of the piece; it made them stand out, but awkwardly. Some of the formatting got messed up with the blue pen and the italics overlapping each other so it messed some things up - I apologize for that.
williamwu123 2 / 3  
Dec 30, 2011   #4
theres no 'an' before access.

should be "by march 2010", not since


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