I think my essay is quite messy. Can some help me to fix that? Any grammatical mistakes or ambiguous ideas?
Please HELP ME :)
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
In the place where I live, secondary education no longer means schools or colleges, but more and more tutorial centers.
My homeland is Hong Kong, an international city where people are highly competitive - in both at work and at school. With a view to achieving appealing grades in the public exam and reaping a superb CV, the overwhelming majority of secondary school students choose to attend tutorial classes offered by private tutorial centers. "We are not helping you to achieve higher, but the highest," as the banners of the center claim fervently.
In tutorial centers, students pick the specific topics they want to study or revise and attend the class accordingly. Tutors are just like school teachers, except that they rarely talk to students as they have to leave in a hurry for the upcoming classes whenever the bell has gone. Another biggest feature for tutorial center would be the method of teaching. Traditionally, people expect teaching as a two way process in which teachers raise mind-provoking questions and students give the answers. Interestingly, no tutor will raise a single question nor seek for answers. In most cases, the lessons are not operated by the tutors themselves, but the video clips that they have recorded previously. Therefore, students attending the class simply stare at the big screen and jot notes - what a commercial strategy to save time. In this way, classes in different districts can proceed at the same time without the present of a real tutor. Students learn like a machine by the lecture given by a machine, but no one feel strange after such a seemingly effective method has been become a trend for nearly a decade.
So what makes tutorial classes so appealing? According to my personal experience, it is the exam skills taught by tutors that cause students to have such a great incentive to join the classes - even greater than that of going to normal schools. In the tutorial centers, tutors reveal the ways to set the questions practiced by the Hong Kong Examination Authority. After examining the question formats, we are supposed to know how to avoid the traps in the questions and prevent the lost of scores. Sometimes, we are advised to recite the standard answers for different question types. "You don't have to understand the question. When you see the keywords appear, simply recall the answer printed on my notes and copy it down in the paper!" my biology tutor once kindly suggested.
To be honest, at first I found this way of learning efficacious and convenient as I didn't have to turn the books to search for the main ideas nor make my own notes. All the learning materials were sieved, with the most "useful" parts remained. And I was delighted to see the good grades I obtained after following the advice offered by my tutors. But when I reflected and recalled what I had learnt, I was bewildered. There was nothing in my mind except the debris of highlighted points and standardized sentences. I had deliberately discarded the valuable knowledge in the traditional books just because they were labeled as "seldom appear in the exam" and what occupied my schoolbag were no longer my textbooks or notebooks but the tutorial notes. Ultimately, I realized that this kind learning might be helpful in surviving in the exams, but was not a proper way to absorb knowledge. How would I be able to compete with students outside Hong Kong in the future if I merely knew the partially selected knowledge? How could I be self-directed learning after entering the university if I sheer depended on my tutor? Therefore, I gave up attending the tutorial classes in the second term of S5 and returned to work on my own again. Frankly, it was tougher to sort out the information myself. Nevertheless, I learned more than before indeed.
Yet, it is the undeniable fact that the vast majority of my classmates and friends do adhere to their tutors. In class, while the teachers are giving the lectures, some students just indulge themselves in the tutorial notes and Past Papers. Even worse, some choose to sleep in class with a view to saving energy for the tutorial classes after school until night. Almost certain is that tutorial centers are going to replace conventional schools. While experts are frowning upon at such a wrench phenomenon of education and pointing out the latent problems, ironically, the enrollment rate of tutorial classes keeps boosting. Whenever the annual public exam results are released, the tutors will promptly connect those who get the top grades and have been attending their classes. In no time, we will see a photo pasted outside the tutorial centre in which the student shakes hands with the tutor expressing his or her gratitude. In this way, education becomes business and learning becomes a trade.
The culture of attending tutorial class causes me to have a reflection on education and a twist in my attitude towards learning. For me, education is a procedure to instill knowledge and values rather than a fast tract for gaining a preeminent diploma. I have once lost my way in the tutorial tide but now I know I will be depriving myself of the opportunity to learn more and earn more if I continue to cling to my tutors. I understand vividly that Hong Kong has long been a commercial society, but it will be a pity if the educational system falls prey to money.
While I previously presume that the tutorial trend is constricted to secondary schools, recently I read a piece of news about a newly opened tutorial centre for university students. This is preposterous and meanwhile sadly shows that the tide has already spread to tertiary education. And that's why I hope to study in the UTA abroad, where I can pursuit of the core value of education.
Hello! I think this essay is fine, although there are a few grammar mistakes and things you could clean up that have to do with English phrasing, like "meanwhile" instead of "also" in the second to last sentence. Your way isn't wrong, it's just not standard English usage. However, that's really ok, especially for an international student.
However, the biggest issue I see with this essay is that it doesn't do a great job of explaining why the issue is important to you. I think you should spend a little less time and space describing the tutorials and tutorial centers, and a little more explaining how this relates to your life and your desire to study at UTA. I think you're a strong writer, and you have some really great ideas here, so you definitely have an opportunity to explain exactly why you need a place like UTA for your education, but focus more on that. I know the prompt asks about an issue, but remember, your essay is how they get to know you, so don't be afraid to relate it directly to yourself and what you want from your education. Good luck!
