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Tutoring + "Mother Nature", extracurricular activities and importance of an issue


murtaza101 1 / 10  
Sep 25, 2010   #1
Hello EssayForum, I'm a hopeful applicant and really desperate for an acceptance in top universities and would really like your help in correcting my writing assignments... I'll slowly add my more essays but for a start these 2 should be okay.

ESSAY NO.1: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

One of my favorite activities is tutoring, not because it's easy and comfortable for me, but I just do for the fun of it. I've always liked to help those out in need regardless of whoever they are and given that where I live and not everyone is a smart cookie or an education enthusiast, I believe it's best to just pass on the knowledge you have and be a kind of "guide" for them. I teach the general subjects; i.e. English Language, Sciences, my native Urdu, even life guidance but my strong point would be Mathematics. Students who're interested approach me after classes and we meet up at either their house or mine or even the library sometimes. By general conversations and overview, I give brief but illustrative explanations so that my teaching could be clear and friendly. Finally, we practice sample questions as an assurance that the concept is clear.

Please it would be really appreciated if someone could assist me in my writing assignments... I promise I'd surely assist you out in return. Thank you in advance.

OP murtaza101 1 / 10  
Sep 26, 2010   #2
People plz, I'm really desperate.... can anyone correct my essay/give grammar advice on it/review it... plz I really need it
donrocks 5 / 120  
Sep 26, 2010   #3
Murtaza. The first one is decent but not excellent. Tutoring, is not something very common in USA and all. It is my suggestion to write something different. However, this lacks meat.

1)What do you teach? You can't possibly teach all subjects....Be specific.
2)

I usually contact my friends, who need academic help, and we gather at someone's house or mine and I first try to know the weakness or difficulty the student is facing.

Very long. 2 ' and' in one sentence. My friends and I gather at one spot and start discussing. I start by discussing their weakness and then move on.

So, this is the first one.
The second one needs a lot of work in terms of content. You need to write about yourself and more about what you are going to do and how does this effect you. Be specific.
OP murtaza101 1 / 10  
Sep 26, 2010   #4
For the second one I'm thinking of completely revamping the whole thing.... about the first one, I chose tutoring because I live in UAE, and extracurricular activities are not like easily accessible, I'm not saying there aren't but the resources here are definitely limited compared to countries like US, UK, Australia or even India. Also I'm really good at teaching people its like my strong point so I thought elaborating it for the essay would be much easier. Thanks for the advice Sid, I'll post my revamped versions soon.
OP murtaza101 1 / 10  
Sep 26, 2010   #5
Okay everyone, here's my revamp of the first prompt, I'll repeat the prompt for you all.

Plz provide your feedback people, I'll give my 2nd prompt's revamp soon... Reply soon plz! :D
OP murtaza101 1 / 10  
Sep 27, 2010   #6
Alright everyone I've revamped my second prompt as well, I thought over it and decided I change the issue from sewage waste to something more personal: obesity

Provide your feedback soon ppl, much appreciated.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,337 129  
Sep 28, 2010   #7
One of my favorite activities is tutoring, not because it's easy and comfortable for me, but I just do for the fun of it.

This sentence has a messed up structure... the end is not compatible with the beginning... I'll try to fix it:
One of my favorite activities is tutoring, and although it is not always easy or comfortable I enjoy the challenge and the opportunity to do something meaningful.

even life guidance I would scratch this out because it can't be included without reflecting negatively on you... even though you probably make a great impact on people, this part should not be mentioned in the essay.

Getting rid of obesity was important because it had held me back for years, imprisoning me in my own self cell of nervousness, and in order to live joyfully in this world, I had to break the chains and be free from it for once.

You have a great way of writing!! I like the way you used soccer to introduce the 2nd essay's theme. I think you should revise the ending so that you conclude the essay with discussion of the ISSUE (i.e. on the level of society) and what can be done to mitigate it.

Here is an article you might enjoy:
Sugarmann, S. D., & Sandman, N. (2007). Fighting Childhood Obesity through Performance-Based Regulation of the Food Industry. Duke Law Journal, 56(6), 1403-90.
OP murtaza101 1 / 10  
Oct 30, 2010   #8
Thanks Kevin, I did my 3rd revamp of the 2nd prompt.... here it goes:

ESSAY NO. 2 REVAMPED (2nd try): Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you (250 words MINIMUM).

Football or soccer, also known as the "world game" is played everywhere around the world. Given its room for creativity and fast-paced flow, it has found prominence among the youth generation. I live in the UAE and here you'll find kids and teens playing the sport in any possible space; be it parks or parking lots. I've always enjoyed watching the game and I love to play it with my friends, but I'm usually disregarded whenever there's a match. It might be because of prejudice but I think the main reason is that I can't play the sport the same way as they can, and that I believe is because of my obese nature.

I've been stout since childhood but I didn't personally choose to be like that. My mother told me that when I was an infant, my aunt used to feed me a lot like mixing custard in the milk for example. Furthermore, my parents groomed me to focus only on my studies and I just never got the chance to explore physical fitness from early age. Its years now that I've realized what happened before was so wrong. My obesity also led me to face harsh times during my school life; I was constantly mocked and bullied by other kids in my school which heavily drained out whatever confidence or hope I had in myself that I'll ever get happy for once. It also caused a deep effect on my personality; shy, insecure and bookish were some words for my description and affected my ability to socialize with others. What's disheartening is that throughout the bullying, there was no one except my own conscience to support myself through the pain I went through; teachers never paid attention to my problem and my parents were always busy in their work.

As the torment continued, I just felt that I may die out of this world as a failure but surprisingly, I received a ray of hope at last. Call it fate but, in my senior year, I somehow never had any bullies, pressures or whatsoever in my life; I felt a sense of freedom for once. I made some good friends during my senior year who accepted me for who I am and helped me in gaining my self-esteem back. They also gave me motivation to seek out resources to combat my obesity for once that I had been neglecting for years, because there was no one to support me for it. I joined a football academy for a short time, although currently I go to a gym and follow strict diet and exercise routines. I strongly believe that our societies and authorities should also realize the seriousness of this issue and I think that there should be more friendly approaches in creating awareness regarding obesity among the youth, where emotional support should be provided to those who suffer from it. Moreover, physical education and dietary information should be assessed on individual level and be used in eradicating this ailment. I demand our governments to consider this issue for creating social welfare in our societies, and hopefully prevent further affliction of other individuals in the same manner as I had.

Getting rid of obesity was important because it had held me back for years, imprisoning me in my own cell of nervousness, and in order to live joyfully in this world, I had to break the chains and be free from it for once. Now as I go for a work-out, I just hope for the day when I'll finally be slim enough so that I can hopefully play football like Diego Maradona for once.

Feedback/Corrections would be appreciated, people! :)
OP murtaza101 1 / 10  
Oct 31, 2010   #9
people please, i need to keep up with the deadlines, I've more essays to be checked which I'll post soon, but first I really need feedback/corrections for this

thank you in advance. :)
nishabala 4 / 91  
Nov 4, 2010   #10
You might want to get an English teacher or something to look at this for sentence construction... I'm seeing things that are wrong, and I think it would be worth your while to get someone qualified to look at it. You jump back and forth between tenses, and I'm not going to mention those, but you need to decide what tense the essay(especially the first part) should be in and write it paying attention to that.

"Football or soccer, also known as the "world game" is played everywhere around the world. Given its room for creativity and fast-paced flow, it has found prominence among the youthgenerationyoung . I live in the UAE and here you'll find kids and teens playing the sport in any possible space; be it in parks or parking lots. I've always enjoyed watching the game and I love to play it with my friends, but I'm usually disregardedleft out ](or a nicer word, but 'disregarded' doesn't work)whenever there's a match. It might be because of prejudice but I think the main reason is that I can't play the sport the same way as they can, and that I believe is because of my obese nature that I am(was?) obese ."

"My mother told me that when I was an infant, my aunt used to feed me a lot - like mixing custard in the milk for example."... there's something wrong in the second part of the question... doesn't tie in well, the grammar isn't right... I'd suggest removing it entirely, it's confusing me a bit.

" It also causedhad a deep effect on my personality; 'shy', 'insecure' and 'bookish' were some words for my description described me and (this view of myself?) affected my ability to socialize with others."

To me, the last line of the first paragraph lacks the drama factor. Say something like "I felt neglected; my parents didn't have time for me and my teachers just didn't seem to care enough.'

The second paragraph is interesting, but you might want to tell the story in the past tense and switch to present tense when you talk about yourself now. Draw the reader more into it by telling us what your REALLY felt, not so much telling us about your journey. I think it's make this seem more powerful; now, it just seems a bit like a social message, instead of a personal experience.


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