Hello, i just finished my essay for my university application, please help me to edit it. thanks!
Essay
Please write a brief essay that answers the following questions.
What has inspired you to pursue an engineering degree and why would you like to study at the University of Toronto?
What skills have you developed through your extra-curricular experiences that will support your future success as both a student and an engineer?
Your essay should not exceed 3000 characters (including spaces and punctuation).
Here is my essay:
Ever since I was a child, I showed great interest and curiosity in how things are shaped in the world. I visited different cities and towns and I saw buildings from ancient tribe to most fancy buildings in big cities. I understand that our beautiful life today cannot form without civil engineers. Due to my family background, I had the opportunity to see books of different kinds of buildings, bridges, and roadways. I was fascinated. By the age of 6, I can distinguish about 5 different types of bridges and give a brief explanation of their function. The person who inspired me to the world of civil engineering is my mother. When I was about schooled age, she was working on her Master degree in Earthquake Engineering. I once got an opportunity to see a laboratory for engineering students, at the moment I saw it, I have decided my future. As I grew up, whenever I saw my mother bring back drawings from her office and working on drawings on AutoCAD, I always sit beside her to see her work. As she explains to me how different design would bring huge difference in construction cost, I felt a desire to know more. To get closer to my goal, I dedicated my high school years into studying the sciences and mathematics to pursue an engineering degree.
Of all universities among Canada, University of Toronto is my number one choice. This is not only because of its academic reputation, but also the Professional Experience Year Internship Program. Internship program offers a fast-track to success. Within 12-16 month paid internship program, I can develop a professional attitude that will be reflected in the performance of work, learn about engineering in the real world, and earn money while gaining experience. The long term internship allows us to have time for long-term projects or for a series of short-term tasks to build up reputation in professional area, making the experience more valuable. Of all, the time spend on the internship program can count into the four years of engineering experience required for licensing by a professional engineering association in Canada. To me, University of Toronto is the best place to pursue an engineering degree and accomplish my goal.
In order to pursue an engineering degree, I participated in many extracurricular activities and volunteered as a math and science tutor to developed many essential skills to support my future success. "Tutors are problem solvers." this is the first thing the instructor told us on the first day of training, and I deeply agree with that. In my 3 years of experience as a tutor, I greatly developed my interpersonal and communication skills and problem solving skills. I tutored 5 people by answering my tutees' questions and provided constructive ideas in review for tests and exams, their grade had effectively gone up by at least 5%. In addition, being a treasurer and club co-founder, athlete in swimming and tennis team, and a member of orchestra at same time, I have developed time management skill to balance all these activities and studies, team work skill to work more effectively for my team, club, and orchestra, and leadership skill in managing club issues with other executives. These activities helped me to gain valuable experience and developed many important skills that will help my success as both a student and an engineer.
i know is long, and i definitely need to shortern it, but i don't know how( i know i write badly). please help me T_T
and... how can i sound more professional?
Let's change the word things in that first sentence to a different word that captures your real meaning.
By the age of 6, I can could distinguish about...
5 different types of bridges and give a brief explanation of their function. The person who inspired me to the world of civil engineering is my mother. When I was about schooled age, she my mother was working on her Master degree in Earthquake Engineering.
Keep all those verbs in the past tense:
As I grew up, whenever I saw my mother bring back drawings from her office and work on them on AutoCAD, I always sat beside her to see her work.
As she explains explained to me how different designs would bring huge difference in construction cost, I felt
I guess you need to scratch out a few sentences if this is too long. I think it is very impressive, though. It's okay to have a few mistakes. Everyone does!
But I want to tell you that I think it will be more impressive if you tell a little about the books or articles that influenced you most. Show what you are proatcively studying these days.
:-)
