UC personal statement #1
-[Freshman Applicants] Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how has your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I am the girl to the left in the photo; the one with medium black hair, a slim physic and dark brown eyes. She is the girl to the right; the one who similarly has medium black hair with an identical physic and those same dark brown eyes. Focus for longer than a second, however, and you realize that her and me are completely different. Her eyes have bright white circles around the pupils with flickers of gold in it. Her skin is somewhat darker than mines. (She has candida, a condition caused by an overproduction of a form of yeast, resulting in severe tanning). Lastly, if we both took off our shoes, I was about a half-an-inch taller than her. Random people at my school indistinctly called us "the twins," vaguely viewing us as completely identical. On the other hand, close friends, those who socialized with me and my sister daily, knew that we were in fact, fraternal twins.
Growing up, my sister and I were always together. We were each other's loyal companion and top advisor. At a young age, I couldn't grasp what it meant to be a twin. All I knew was that we were both unusually in love with 90s music, our worst fear was drowning, and we both wanted to be a nurse when we grew up. We looked so alike- us in our matching pink and blue Old Navy sweaters- yet my unique love for skinny jeans and exotic earrings coupled with her love for oversized Bob Marley t-shirts and Jordans highlighted our different evolving self-images.
Our different features quickly began to clash. I easily became frustrated and broke down when I knocked over one of my sister's unforgiving "neat stacks of clothes." I always considered bunking in my brother's room, but I had a yearning to bring light to the situation and remedy the problem. My efforts showed a promising outcome. I began cleaning up my room and quietly putting the neat stacks of clothes away. I became the faithful and serious mediator at times when me and my sister got into fights with my brothers, effectively learning to communicate and present them with the facts, all the while using calming techniques so both parties were satisfied. I even became a prized consulter by sharing interesting remedies that could better our healths. Eventually, I saw the little differences I made: We both started getting along together, and fighting less often; Amanda began putting her clothes away; we both benefited from health products I had discovered.
We both had life-long aspirations be a nurse, yet our specific fortes had yet to be discovered. My parents were enthralled at the thought of us being nurses together. This came as no surprise to me because even at the age of sixteen, my parents refused to let us go to different high schools and never hesitated to scream at us if we came home without the other one being present. And as my mom proudly declares our future as twin nurses, I decided I had to show myself another possible path, one different from the one my mom had imagined me in.
I supplemented expensive educational opportunities by doing online research and making frequent trips to the library. I grew fond of helping people, both through remedies and through mediation. My experiences as a twin has shaped and reaffirmed my aspiration to become a legal nurse consultant, to concurrently help people in need, making a difference in their lives and to help attorneys understand medical files so they can legally do what is best for their clients. I find it vital that I attend a culturally diverse and gifted university to better obtain unique information on my path to becoming a legal nurse consultant. It is not ironic that I am unique; I am the girl who is always discussing and informing people about holistic cures and dangerous medication. But most importantly, I am a twin with my own identity.
I love how you began this essay. I would suggest maybe bringing in the main point of your essay, how your world shaped your aspirations and dreams a bit earlier in your essay.
One really quick comment because I *must* do my homework and get to bed ...
When you write '90s music, the apostrophe should go before the 9 to show that you are omitting the 19. Different style guides will tell you different things, but I'd stick to MLA rules for a college application.
Thank you so much! I will definetly make those corrections.
...realize that she and I are completely different.
Oh.. ha ha, I see that namehere already fixed that...
On the other hand, close friends, those who socialize with me and my sister daily, knew that we were in fact, fraternal twins.--- okay, at the end of this paragraph I am still wondering what the main idea of the essay is going to be... something about looking alike...
Growing up, my sister and I were always together. --- now it is about your relationship.
We each had a life-long aspiration be a nurse, yet our
I decided I had to show myself another possible path, one different from the one my mom had imagined me in.--- now the essay is about going in your own direction.
My experiences as a twin has shaped and reaffirmed my aspiration to become a legal nurse consultant, to concurrently help people in need, making a difference in their lives and also to help attorneys understand medical files so they can legally do what is best for their clients.-----okay, this is good. It is very specific, and it deserves to have a whole essay written about it. This is what I think you should write about.
Oh, but I see that this essay is supposed to be about the world you come from. This is pretty great, then! I was going to say it was too much to write about being a twin and also about your philosophy of medicine, etc... but actually, this is perfect for the prompt. Try to find ways to take out unnecessary words and sentences. In fact, see if you can find details that are not relevant to the main idea, and omit them, too. This essay is very busy and full of detail, which can cloud the main idea. For example, that paragraph of description at the start is not directly relevant. You should probably revise the intro so that it boldly expresses the main idea of the essay.
I understand what you are saying completely. Thank you do much! I will make those revisions.