Prompt: Describe someone who has had a significant influence on your life, evaluate said influence.
Before I begin this essay I would like to assure you that: no, I am not telepathic, and yes I am sure. As strange as that statement sounds, I've said it hundreds if not thousands of times, after responding yes to the question, are you a twin? Incessant inquisitions such as "can you and your twin read each other's minds?" have been asked of me too many times to keep track of. Because my twin sister, Tia, and I are fraternal, I've heard more frequently, "you're lying, you guys don't look alike," or my favorite "You all don't look alike, so it's no point in being a twin," Although Tia and I do not share the same face, or a supernatural connection, we do share a bond that comes with living with your best friend for seventeen years. Tia is a large part of my life, and her influence on me as a child has made me into the adult I am today.
I always felt as being a twin gave me a super childhood. When Tia and I were bored, we would make up games. If it was raining outside, we would play "the-floor-is-molten-lava-so-jump-on-the-couches-pillows-and-tables-to -get-to-the-treasure" game. On long summer car rides Tia and I named those little Kleenex tissue paper particles that only became visible once they hit the light, "tattle bee's", and we would avoid them at all costs. Our escapades, largely modeled after the TV show Rugrats, influenced my creativity, and my art. Even as a child, I was the one who conceived the idea, and Tia, the engineer, made my thoughts a reality.
Tia helped me find my voice. Strangely enough, I was shy when I was younger and I did not talk to anyone until I was three years old. A large part of her vocabulary consisted of "Tania said she wants..." or "Tania didn't get one..." Even as we grew older I depended on Tia for everything, until one day it all stopped.
As we entered high school we started to branch off into separate activities, for once in our lives we didn't share the same set of friends or interests. Initially I felt abandoned. The thought of doing things on my own, without someone "having my back," terrified me. However, as time passed I found that I liked having my own activities, and friends. Eventually I became more comfortable expressing and sometimes arguing my opinions in class. Tia and I even spent weeks apart when I would venture off to business and journalism camps.
Finally, we shaped each other's personalities to become exactly what the other one needed. She was the logical, serious angel on my shoulder, and I was the creative, thoughtful angel on hers; claymation couldn't mold a better counterpart. Because I was taken out of my comfort zone, I went from being the shy artist who scribbles silently in the corner, to the outgoing creative who's not afraid to take on leadership positions, and who's receptive to novel ideas. These qualities ultimately affected my decision to major in communications, and have made me into the responsible adult I am today.
-Thanks Everyone. I not really looking for grammer corrections, i really want to know if its memorable, and unique. thanks again :)
How about start of with the statement, you dont have to use this advice whatsoever, just my suggestion
Before I begin this essay I would like to assure you that: "N o, I am not telepathic, and yes I am sure."
- The memorable parts are the little games that you played, you used simple words to describe the thought of a younger child which is totally appropriate. The other part that I like is A large part of her vocabulary consisted of "Tania said she wants..." or "Tania didn't get one..."
- Another sentence stand out to me, I never heard this comparison before, even though i heard other variations of it but to me it still very unique:
"She was the logical, serious angel on my shoulder, and I was the creative, thoughtful angel on hers; claymation couldn't mold a better counterpart"
No, unfortunately this is a very bad put off essay. I have a slight blunt way of saying things but since you have a low g.p.a.... a lot depends on your essay.
Frankly, for about 3/4 essay, you are running yourself down and then coming to the point. And the point is not presented well.
Admission committee may draw a conclusion from this,
1)You are not able stand up on your feet.
2) You have a confidence deficit.
Even as we grew older I depended on Tia for everything, until one day it all stopped.
Also, I don't think they would like the para where you discuss with them..your childhood. They would not go" awww.." over this and you need to understand that. You have strayed off the topic in the whole essay.
Where is the being a kid shell.... and that phase description?
Where is the first step that you took and started to find your own voice?
Where are the hurdles you faced without your sister... and HOW DID YOU OVERCOME THEM?
These are the most important details. We need to show you were an introverted person but now you are doing a lot... you are participating and now, you have basically grown up.
Hope this helps...
:)
Hi Tania Lee!
With regard to your essay, I happen to agree with Marisa -- in that your essay is too informal. Take a look at the corrections she has made for you. I, also, think that you ought to consider re-writing the essay, and coming up with a different approach. It reads too informally, as if you are talking to a friend, and not someone at the collegiate level. Try the re-write and send it to us via the forum; we will take a look at it again.
--Mark :)
