"How has your family history, culture or enviroment infulenced who you are"
My family is a very important part of my life. They have greatly influence me. Without their discipline and encouragement I would not be the person I am today.
Growing up, I was the older of two children. Being oldest, my parents were a lot stricter with me than they were with my younger brother. In a way I am thankful for that. Their strict rules as well as my fear of their consequences have kept me out of trouble and in with the right crowd.
At 14 my parents decided it was time for me to get a job. They said I wanted more than they could afford so I needed to start making my own money. As much as I hated it at first it has taught me lots of responsibility as well as how to manage my money.
Most importantly my family has always encouraged me in everything I've done. Through everything they were always my number 1 fans. They have pushed me to try my best in everything I do. All their love and support has made me a much more confident person.
I know my family will always be there for me, guiding me into the right direction. Without them I would not be where I am today. Their good morals have been embedded in me where they will be forever. I am so grateful for my family and don't know what I would do without them.
"Why did you choose to apply to UCF"
This past summer, my varsity high school cheerleading squad attended a camp at UCF. We stayed on campus in the dorms. We were only there for four days and 3 nights, but that's all it took. I fell in love with UCF.
When we first arrived I was stunned by how beautiful the campus was. Everything looked colorful, new, and exciting. When I walked into my dorm room, I couldn't believe my eyes. I was expecting a small square room, barely big enough for two beds. Much to my surprise they were actually quite roomy. Instantly, I knew that was a place I wanted to call home.
Besides the amazing campus, I would love to go to UCF for their cheerleading team. I have been a cheerleader for the past five years and am very aware of how successful UCF's team is. During camp I met many members of the team and everyone was extremely friendly. It would be a dream come true to be a member of the team.
I still have yet to decide on a major and UCF has a wide variety of options for me to choose from. Also, the UCF campus in Orlando is the perfect distance from home. It's not too far, but not too close either. I would have so many incredible opportunities if I were accepted, and that is why I would love to be a UCF Knight.
Good evening.
You've got two good pieces here, so I'm going to give you some suggestions to help you get started. Both pieces are made up of numerous short sentences, resulting in a choppy flow that is difficult for your readers to find a comfortable rhythm in. In the end it is very distracting for your audience. Try combining or condensing some of these sentences. For example, in the first piece: "My family is a very important part of my life. They have greatly influence me. Without their discipline and encouragement I would not be the person I am today." Try: "My family is a very important part of my life. They have greatly influenced me, and without their discipline and encouragement I would not be the person I am today."
Mechanically, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. They are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for their use. For example, in the second essay, instead of writing "that's" write out the entire phrase: "that is."
Go back through your essays and look at them both carefully for other instances such as these. A stronger essay and a better writer will both result.
Regards,
Gloria
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