Please help me proof read my essay, and I don't mind any critics!!! and the word counts are 400-500 words, which I have like 550 words, so if it is possible to shrink it (or throw away my "babies") it's okay as long as it is a good essay =D
Essay Topic:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
"Hey! What is your name? I have not seen you before, are you new?" Uncertain of how to answer I shook my head, my mind filled with fear and confusion. I am not deaf or mute, it is clear to these people that the foreign girl does not speak English at all. After twelve years living in China, I never imagined that one day I would come to the United States of America.
September 2006, two days after the eighteen hour flight from China, I was sent to school with no basic knowledge of English. I flushed with embarrassment when I could only respond to every question with a nod. "Hi, what is your name?" I nod my head, "where are you from?" I nod my head, "Do you speak English?" I nod my head. As time went on, no one came up to me and asked me anymore questions because I would simply nod my head. To others I am the quiet girl. It is obvious that I am quiet because I had trouble speaking English. That is when I began wanting to fit in and learn the language. It was clear to me that dream to fitting in and mastering this language would never happen unless I start working hard and striving to complete my goals. Therefore, I set goals during certain periods, and when I accomplished those goals, I move up to another. During my second year in the United States, I was struggling with the state standardized test, similar to the FCAT. I thought that passing the test seemed impossible for just 2 years of English, but it was my goal to pass the test like the other students in my intensive reading class. With more knowledge of English, I began reading books at the elementary level by taking baby steps. Then I jotting down words and definitions I did not understand. Slowly, I "graduated" from each level and finally, I started reading harder books. I remember reading my first novel called The Uglies by Scott Westerfeld. I cried through every page because I did not understand most of the word in the novel. No matter how many times I wanted to stop reading, I would tell myself that it was not finished until I reached the end. When I was done, I suddenly realized that I understood the novel.
Surprisingly, I passed the FCAT reading with a level three from a level one. My ESL friends were so amazed of my accomplishment with only two years of learning English. But I knew that it was not over yet because I still needed to work hard to reach the top.
Five years ago, I could not even imagine that the person I had become today, who used to be quiet, timid and did not know any English. Now, I have made many friends, I am taking challenging classes and I am involved in a number of activities. The struggles I went through had proven me of my character, responsibilities and my achievements. It is true that life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they are supposed to help you discover who you are. I have never regretted what I went through, because those trials helped me become a better person as you see today.
I cried through every page because I did not understand most of the word in the novel. No matter how many times I wanted to stop reading, I would tell myself that it was not finished until I reached the end. When I was done, I suddenly realized that I understood the novel.
I cried through every page because I did not understand most of the words but no matter how much I wanted to quit, I decided against it. I didnt stop reading until the very end. When I was done, I suddenly realized that I understood the novel.Then I jotting down words and definitions I did not understand. Slowly, I "graduated" from each level and finally, I started reading harder books.
I started jotting down words and defintions I didnt understand and to my benefit, my reading and comprehension level noticibly got better. A few weeks later I was reading my first novel!unless I start working hard and striving to complete my goals.
This should say achieve ...It may be a better choice of wording considering your next sentenceTo others I am the quiet girl. It is obvious that I am quiet because I had trouble speaking English.
I think this should say: I become known as the quiet girl and I think by now it is obvious that I dont speak this foreign language.These are just some suggestions for you, I'm doing the same essay. I loved reading about your move from China. I find it awesone that you worked your way up from the bottom. :) GOOD LUCK with UF!!