This is my college application essay please give me feedback on it!
Since I was about 3 years old I've had separate parents. I would go back and forth one week with my mom and the other with my dad. This was normal for me until I got to high school. It started getting hard for me always having to carry my clothes, makeup and shoes every time I switched houses. I was always afraid to choose what house I wanted to live in because it's two different environments. My freshman year I chose to live with my dad, because he lived right next to my school and we were really close. Then my sophomore year came around and I chose to live with my mom, because I could tell she needed me. Being in two different houses has taught me two different life styles.
My mom has 3 kids including me. I have a younger brother and a younger sister. Since I have been living with my mom I've never felt closer to my sister. My sister is 11 years old, but acts very mature for her age. She has been through a lot and it feels good knowing I'm the person she can open up to. She has taught me to be strong and always be courteous to other people. I never thought I would learn much from someone younger than me, but she made me see things different. My mom and I have a complicated bond. I know my mom means well, but she's been through so much she doesn't realize when she's doing wrong. She has taught me not to give up easily on people, because you can find their happiness again.
Since I was little it has always been my dad and I. Growing up I always had someone there for me. My dad has taught me never to give up in anything you try to pursue. He always tells me to reach for higher even if you reached your goal to start a new one and always rise up. He is my motivation in school and growing up to be an independent women. He also cares about shaping me into the best women I can be. He's taught me manners since I was a little girl and he made sure I was never alone in any hardship I face. He is the most hardworking and caring person I could ask for, and I'm lucky to have him as a father.
Living in two different families has shaped me to be the person I am today. I'll never give up on anything and I will always try my best in anything I accomplish. I hope to get my master's degree and strive for my doctoral degree. I want to make both of my families proud.
Hi Jocelyn, first of all, as this letter is for your admission to college, it would greatly help if the focus of the essay is not in your family background and rather towards your academic achievements, struggles and journey. I understand that you are trying to draw a wider picture about yourself and your aspirations, however, beginning or starting the essay with your family background will sound like you're begging for the institution to admit you. Now, don't get me wrong, it's good to include some information about your family background, however, if you can keep it within a few sentences or a total of 1 paragraph, it will give you that space to write about your academic information, therefore giving that much needed boost for your letter.
Moving on to your sentences, I find them a little bit odd, to elaborate my findings, below is an example;
- My mom has 3 kids including me.- instead of writing or formulating your sentences like this, I suggest you write it like this,
We are a family of four, my mom and my 2 siblings.
You see, a simple revision and proper grouping of words makes a lot of difference. I hope the insights are useful and do let us know should you need further reference towards your revision.
