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'Two older brothers transformed my life' - UC Personal Statement (#2

shinsterr 2 / 2  
Nov 28, 2011   #1
THE PROMPT:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

It was August 21, 2011, precisely 5:19 pm. My hands were sweaty as I tightly grasped my mom's hand in my left and my grandma's hand in my right. Numerous thoughts were racing through my head. Tension contaminated the air, as my mom dialed the digits of the phone number. Each ring of the phone call rang slowly, extended and unending. The room felt uncomfortably silent and the world seemed to be muted. My heart was thumping louder, faster, and harder, for I knew I had to hope for the best but also prepare for the worst. In moments we were greeted by a male's deep, short, and monotone voice: "Hello?" A quick second of uneasy glances were exchanged. Could this be the voice of my mom's son, whom she lost twenty years ago? Her face was a strange mixture of excitement and concern. She hesitated to respond, as her voice slightly cracked when she replied: "Hi, is this Daniel?", immediately she continued, "This is your mom."

Unexpected news flashes on television all the time, leaving thousands and millions of people in awe. Similarity, learning that I had two older brothers, technically half brothers, left me in utter shock for days. Adjusting to a life with two older brothers in the span of three months, after seventeen years of living as an only child, was definitely not an easy task nor an ordinary experience anyone could complain about.

However, I believe people grow through experiences, and experiences are what builds character in an individual. How the individual responds to certain obstacles, determines if he or she will mature or immature. I accomplished something more greater than being a little sister. It would be the accomplishment of satisfaction in truly understanding the value of sacrifice and willpower.

I willingly shared my belongings. I willingly shared my time. I also willingly shared my mom's love. But when I had to begin to sacrfice my belongings, sacrifice my time, and sacrifice my mom's love for these two "blood-related-brothers", it was hard.

***This is all I have.. is it okay so far?

collegebound15 4 / 7  
Nov 28, 2011   #2
i dont know if people can immature, i would change the wording on that sentence.
Greater, not more greater
the beginning really pulled me in, it was great how descriptive you were. I am worried that it may be too long once you add a conclusion though, remember that it cannot exceed 1000 words with both prompts answered.

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