Hey, here's my first UC personal statement. I'm looking for mainly these things:
- Does it flow? (good transitions)
- Am I using enough advanced vocabulary?
- Is there an obvious structure?
- Did I answer the prompt?
- Did you think the "conversation" approach was effective?
Please, feel free to criticize or praise as you like.
Prompt:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"Are you two twins?" the lady asks me.
As I lean over to my right, watching my brother throw back a slightly disturbed look on his face, I tell her no, we are not.
"My, isn't youth so precious! Is he older?"
His figure springs up, surging with confidence as my own slumps in resignation. Apparently, one more year's experience does not earn as much seniority as a head of height does. The glee on his face makes me wonder why I'm even with him if I'm going to be continually ridiculed like this.
"Aiya! I am sorry, he just looks so big and mature!" she exclaims incredulously in Chinese. "Do you get along at home? Give poor Mama a lot of stress?"
I smile courteously as I note how much I talk during these large gatherings, while my brother manages to avoid any undesired attention by immediately plunging into his plate of barbequed delectables, allowing me to represent both of us.
And he could not have chosen a better spokesperson.
We may have not been born together, but the relationship between us is almost identical to one between twins because we have been raised not as two separate people, but as one pair. Even by our other relatives and friends, we have been treated and referred to as a single unit, as if our entire world had agreed that our differences were entirely negligible. From clothing and toys to friends and desires, everything of mine seems to be incomplete without his grandiose insignia on it. Up until only a few years ago, even my voice did not belong to me because we sounded absolutely identical.
My parents do provide us with necessities such as a splendid home and plenty of food, but benefits such as lunch, homework help, and a friend at home are all courtesy of each other. Our partnership has taught both of us to cooperate well with others, especially when someone needs help: when I cannot reach, he is my arms; when he is sick, I am his caretaker. We are the only constant in each other's worlds, and therefore the most significant influence on each other. Over time, my desire to improve lives, not just my brother's, has subconsciously materialized until it became one of the most prominent foci of my intentions for the future, or even this very instant.
"Your mother tells me you are even in the same high school; do you see each other on campus often?"
Yes we do, I tell her, we actually happen to be in the same math class. Even though we attend to each others' needs, academically, we are rivals. Every day is an ongoing effort to outdo him, to solve problems that he can't or at least solve them faster. Every time I succeed, I feel more than the glory of triumph because this defines me by my abilities rather than by how similar my brother and I are. It's not difficult to stand out in a crowd; it's being a completely different person from someone who is perceived as your twin that is difficult.
The lady exclaims a bit too loudly, attracting attention from a nearby group of aunts. To add to her complete lack of social awareness, she adds, "But isn't that embarrassing, being in the same class as your little brother?"
It can be awkward, but what better way is there to differentiate between "twins" than to directly compare them? In calculus, we are given only the most basic information required to solve a problem, so all the creative manipulation of numbers and equations is essentially derived from each individual person. This initial opportunity in class has integrated in me a yearning for an education that would allow me to cultivate and expand my ideas, an education that combines my aspiration to be unique, instinct to cherish others, and ambition to create something by my own hands. Isn't it interesting how everything can be traced to a pesky little brother?
"Ah, what a good sister you are, always helping your little brother!" The lady, now with the rest of the aunties, cries amusingly. "You go eat, I want to ask him a few questions too."
As I turn around, I smirk as I leave my brother, Anty, to fend off endless questions from our other aunties.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, and I wish you good luck on your own applications!
The glee on his face makes me wonder why I'm even with him if I'm going to be continually ridiculed like this. --This feels wordy.
His figure springs up, surging with confidence as my own slumps in resignation --I like this sentence, but maybe you could be clearer as to what "my own" refers to. If you can't reword it, that's cool.
The lady exclaims a bit too loudly, attracting attention from a nearby group of aunts. To add to her complete lack of social awareness, she adds, "But isn't that embarrassing, being in the same class as your little brother?" --This comes off as mean. Would this lady be proud of your essay?
This initial opportunity in class has integrated in me --Great word choice in "integrated"
Overall I think it's interesting and unique. Maybe you could add something about how you will cope in college without him??
Your critiques on other essays have been great! Would you mind looking at mine? It's " Catholic school, September in Florida - Common App Essay PROMPT 2" Thanks!
- Does it flow? (good transitions)
You have a very distinguished style and it is portrayed quite vividly in your writing.
- Am I using enough advanced vocabulary?
Although the vocabulary usage in this essay shows that you have outstanding control of the language, I would recommend you avoid being too "wordy". Remember, the colleges are not looking for clever wordplay;instead, they want to see if you are able to write about what you love and why you love it in a concise manner.
- Is there an obvious structure?
I don't really know what to say about structure; though it did seem like a bit too "storyish".
- Did I answer the prompt?
Personally, I liked your creative approach to this prompt, but it felt as if I was reading a fictitious story. "Over time, my desire to improve lives, not just my brother's, has subconsciously materialized until it became one of the most prominent foci of my intentions for the future, or even this very instant." You provided great introspection--a noteworthy mention--but I felt that you've only answered the prompt in this single sentence. Elaborate on this rather than state it and change topics. This can work to your advantage :D
- Did you think the "conversation" approach was effective?
How do you determine a well-written essay? By the first sentence. My English teacher always tell me that if the reader cannot grasp an understanding of what your message is in the first two or three sentences, then it is a bad essay. You write beautifully, but the dialogue in your essay does kind of overshadow the overall message. Ending it with a dialogue added to the whole story book feel. In prompt one, the colleges basically want to know how your world influenced your aspirations and how much work you've put towards achieving it.
