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"a typical Hispanic family from Mexican descent" -UC Prompt #1 were I came from?


dcarreno1 1 / 20  
Nov 25, 2009   #1
Please tell me if I am on the right tract? I am not sure if I am responding to the rompt correctly?
I truely appreciative of any constructive criticism.

Throughout generations society has characterized intelligence based on professions, outlooks, academic backgrounds, and the capability to seek advantages to gain a personal benefit from. In my eyes society has always been wrong, because intelligence originates from the drive, risks taken, courage, and compassion an individual has to hold. The catch, as my father says, is finding that motivation that can inspire dreams, and turn them into reality. The past two years have not only been stressful, but an emotional ride as well. I have gone through tremendous struggles from witnessing my parents loose the place we called home to selling recycled bottles to help my family economically. Being influenced by personal financial struggles, generated a gap in my education, but the one thing I am most proud of is not letting myself fall. I worked hard during the summer to catch up, and challenged myself further by taking Advanced placement classes. Even though I was sometimes the only one or one of the three Hispanics in such classes, I felt comfortable. I felt proud, because I knew that I was enhancing my academic career to better my life. All my life I have challenged myself; never felt satisfied until I knew I reached my limit. This way of life came from my parent's interpretations of what really brings success. I come from a proud Hispanic family of Mexican descent. One that learns that the sweat of every day allows the guarantee of survival, and the food on our plate only originates from the labor we have to offer. I come from a family that taught me that nothing is impossible as long as you hold on to hope. Hope is the main force that has driven me to continue to apply despite the odds. I don't believe that I can be judged by just my preliminary GPA, and my grades in high school. The best way to know who I really am is by taking notice of my evolution from an insecure teenage girl to a women with a purpose in life. My dream, as long as I can remember, is to use my skills to help others needed of my service. I have always admired my parent's generosity to give to those less fortunate, even when we were in a similar position. I never questioned their motif of why they did this, but admired them. This made me realize that the best way to pursue my dream is to become a pediatrician. By taking the career to become a pediatrician, I can further enhance my attentiveness to detail, patience, and verbal skills to help our youth continue to live a healthier life by helping parents cope with their children's different stages of development. In order to set my dream into a reality I must take the risk to apply. I am aware that by taking this chance, I take the risk of pain. I know that by trying, I take the risk of failure. But I would rather take the pain of failing than living a life questioning how different the outcome would have been if I had taking that chance. All these adversities, gaps in my education, and obstacles in my life are scenes of occurrences that make the women I am today.

Just the beginning, planning on working more on it.

JS2010 7 / 18  
Nov 25, 2009   #2
Ok I like where your going but a few changes

For every where you put "intellectuality" put intelligence because I don't think that's a word.

Also the second half of the first sentence I don't understand what you're saying. "and the capability to seek advantages to gain a sort of sole benefit from." <-- Revise.

The catch, as my father says, is finding that motivation that can aspireinspire dreams, and turn them into reality. I originate from a typical Hispanic family fromof Mexican descent.

I wouldn't suggest you portray your race negatively because it seems like you're doing so by saying "typical hispanic family of Mexican Descent" what's so typical?! You want your life and experiences to stand out so don't say that.

"One that learns that the sweat of every day allows the guarantee of survival, and the food on our plate only originates from the labor we have to offer." I LOVE this line :)

"I come from a family that believes that anything no matter how impossible it is can be achieved if hope is grasped within one." You've weighed down this sentence, try this:

"I come from a family that believes nothing is impossible as long as you hold onto hope" or something to that effect....

"ThisThese are the lessons my parent's have taught me, and the force that has driven me to continue
REVISE this part -->to apply despite the odds." Their lessons inspired you to apply to this college? Make it more dramatic and say how their lessons of hard work and hope inspired you to work towards your dreams. Mention your aspirations as well.

I can see there is major potential with this essay, I like the topic because it's one that can be expanded upon easily. Good luck!

By the way, if you don't mind which UC are you applying to?
OP dcarreno1 1 / 20  
Nov 25, 2009   #3
Thanks for the help. OH I am going to apply to UC Irvine, UCLA, UCSD, and UC Merced.
JS2010 7 / 18  
Nov 25, 2009   #4
Sweet, I'm applying to LA, Irvine and Riverside =]
OP dcarreno1 1 / 20  
Nov 26, 2009   #5
That is pretty cool. Hope you have GOOD LUCK and be accepted to the one you most desire to attend. I tried adding some more to my personal statement. Just tell me what you think. I know it needs allot of revision so any advice is truely appreciated. THANK YOU!!!
JS2010 7 / 18  
Nov 26, 2009   #6
Ok this is coming out pretty good, here are some more revisions:

"I have gone through tremendous struggles from..." The word passed sounds very formal and can be made casual by using the word gone.

"from witnessing my parentsslowly loosing..." Slowly is an unneccessary adjective here.

"Being influenced by personal financial struggles generated a gap in my education, but the one thing I am most proud of is not letting myself fall." Another good sentence!!!

"I worked hard during the summer, and recuperated my missing credits in English 10 for the first semester, and Geometry for both semesters. I continued to challenge my capability by taking Advanced placement classes..."

You're going into to much detail and weighing down this sentence as well. Try this:

I worked hard during the summer to catch up, and challenged myself further by taking Advanced placement classes.

which helped me developed a sense of maturity by being an example not only for my little sister, but for other Hispanic teenagers in Vista High School. I believe I am an example to them by destroying stereotypes that state Hispanics can not survive or are not capable of succeeding in these classes.

I don't think that's a common stereotype and I think the statement would be alot better without this line plus the next sentence flows better without these sentences. Look:

I worked hard during the summer to catch up, and challenged myself further by taking Advanced placement classes. Even though I was sometimes the only one or one ofthethree Hispanics in such classes, I felt comfortable. I felt proud, because I knew that I was enhancing my academic career to better my life.

"All my life I have challenged myself; never feeling satisfied until I knew I had reached my limit."

"I believe that I am merely comprehended by just my preliminary GPA, and my grades in high school."

I know what you're trying to say but you're actually saying the exact opposite try this:

"I don't believe that I can be judged just by just my preliminary GPA, and my grades in high school."

"The best way to know who I really am is by taking notice of my evolution from an insecure teenage girl to a women with a purpose in life." This is a good evaluation of yourself and quite the selling point!

"I have always admired the way my family has helped others less fortunate, even when we were in a similar position.Shorter and to the point

This kind of generosity has made me realize that life is not what we have, but rather what we can give to others. " Try and cite an example of how your family is generous.

"At that moment I knew that I wanted to become a pediatrician." At what moment? You didn't specify a time. Try using this sentence, it really draws attention to the fact that your parents have inspired you.

Now their compassion has inspired me to become a pediatrician.

I want to use my skills and abilities not for my own benefit, but for the benefit of others. I want to have an impact on the world, and the best way, I believe, is by helping upcoming generations grow and live a healthy life. Because of your word choice you must reverse the order.

Really good essay!! Revise the little things and I'd say you were done :) Just make sure to post the final piece
OP dcarreno1 1 / 20  
Nov 27, 2009   #7
This is my final Draft. Tell me what you think. Thanks!
JS2010 7 / 18  
Nov 27, 2009   #8
ALMOST THERE!!!!

I never questioned their motifmotive or why they did this. Motif is the wrong word.

By taking on the career of becoming a pediatrician, I can further enhance my attentiveness to detail, patience, and verbal skills to help our youth continue to live a healthier life. by helping parents cope with their children's different stages of development.The sentence is much easier to understand when taking out the last part.

All my life I have challenged myself; never feltfeeling satisfied until I knew I had reached my limit. This makes the sentence grammatically correct.

And you're done! This came out pretty good!! My last suggestion though would be to break this into two or three paragraphs instead of keeping it as a block of writing. I kept getting lost and re-reading a few lines because it was so much to look at. GOOD LUCK on your application!!!
OP dcarreno1 1 / 20  
Nov 27, 2009   #9
Thank you so much for your help. I truely appreciate your time taken to read my personal statement. Let me know how you do with your acceptances on universities later on this January or June. Hope for the best and GOOD LUCK !!!
nikhurs 4 / 17  
Nov 27, 2009   #10
I have gone through tremendous struggles from witnessing my parents loose the place we called home It should be "lose".

challenged myself further by taking Advanced placement classes. I think it may be "Placement", with a capitalized 'P'.

All these adversities, gaps in my education, and obstacles in my life are scenes of occurrences that make the women I am today. Make sure you change this to "woman". It would be bad to make a mistake like that in the final sentence!

I thought your essay was very good. It would have been nice if it was split up into paragraphs, if only to make it flow nicer and make it easier to read. Good luck!
OP dcarreno1 1 / 20  
Nov 27, 2009   #11
Thank you Nikhurs!


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