Beads of sweat trickle down my forehead, tracing the outline of my jaw. My forehead sparkles and drips rivulets which soak into my blue and white tank top. Bent over, I nervously wait for the start. Adrenaline rushes throughout my body. I dig my spikes into the track, pump my arms and accelerate as fast as I could. My teammate anxiously waits for the exchange, jumping up and down, waving his arms. My face shows all the anguish and pain I feel. Thoughts of disappointing my teammates flash through my mind. I think to myself of all the hours we spent training for this event and how we cannot let that go to waste. So I remain focused on my task at during the PSAL City Championship, to place third in the four by eight-hundred meter relay. I hand off the baton, I become relieved and all the pressure is off of my shoulders.
It all began my freshman year, during the cross country 2006 PSAL City Championship. One hundred fifty athletes were positioned at the starting line of five kilometer run. As soon as the gun fired, they began their journey into the woods. After seventeen minutes the runners emerged, the sound of the crowd roared for their favorite. That event struck me with amazement and ebullience. I had never seen such a mesmerizing crowd for a running event. I decided that I want to be one of them, racing their way to the finish line, encouraged by the incessant cheers of their fellow teammates. I wanted to feel a sense of belonging.
I was always the typical shy student, intimidated and taunted by my peers without a word in retaliation. I felt isolated. I would be remiss to consider my participation in cross country and track only kept me in shape. My valiant determination to succeed in every race introduced a new sense of courage, confidence, and concentration to me that I had always lacked; which further prepares me for challenges in the near future. I found that I could surpass the intimidation of my peers and be more extroverted. My teammates are my best friends; moreover they are my brothers. I finally felt a sense of belonging.
So I remain
So, I...
task at during
can't use both "at" and "during." pick one (:
Championship, to place
erase the comma
I hand off the baton, I become relieved and all the pressure is off of my shoulders.
I would personally chance the first sentence to: "As I hand off the baton..." and combine the last two sentences. Would flow better.
Although length never should matter, bit short for a common app personal essay... I don't want to disappoint you, but there are many essays written about a race/a game/a tournament written by high school athletes. do something to make your essay stand out since the topic is a bit platitude.
I also don't think this is too long. Since there is technically no word limit to the Common Application, the length is up to your discretion, and this essay seems a fairly reasonable length to me.
"I dig my spikes into the track, pump my arms and accelerate as fast as I could."
Since the rest of this paragraph seems to be in first person, perhaps it should be "as fast as I can" instead of "as fast as I could"? The sudden change in verb tense confused me a little.
"I think to myself of all the hours we spent training for this event and how we cannot let that go to waste."
You don't really need to say "to myself", because unless you are thinking out loud, it goes without saying that your thoughts are directed towards yourself.
"I hand off the baton, I become relieved and all the pressure is off of my shoulders."
First of all, this is a run-on sentence, as you're attempting to link two independent clauses with only a comma. Also, I wonder why you suddenly switch into a passive voice with "I become relieved." Wouldn't it be better to stay in an active present tense? Finally, I'm a little concerned that the only emotion you mention here is relief. What about joy? Pride? Exuberance? "Relief" makes it sound as if you've just experienced a reprieve from something painful or unpleasant.
"After seventeen minutes the runners emerged, the sound of the crowd roared for their favorite."
Although it is possible, I suppose, for a sound to "roar", I think it would be better for you to have the crowd roaring, not the sound of the crowd. Basically, what I'm trying to say is- watch which noun you're modifying. Also, please note that both "sound" and "crowd" are singular, and therefore "their favorite" should be "its favorite" or "its favorites".
There are a couple of other grammar details, but otherwise, you have a good start. Just work on refining everything a little more, and I'm sure you'll be fine.
