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UBC College Essay Prompt 1 - about me in my community - and my attempt (undergrad)...

urbestpal 1 / 1  
Oct 10, 2018   #1
Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

Most Improved Player of the Season

The game was a nail-biter. The score stood at 20-19, with the opponent one point away from victory: while I had to secure two consecutive points. My opponent served to the rear end of the court. Quickly adjusting my feet to the most favorable position, I struck the shuttlecock. From afar, the shot may have looked exact; my timing seemed ideal and the shuttle had landed smack in the middle of the string-bed. However, the shuttle travelled only half the court's length before it was intercepted by my opponent who ultimately won the point through a smash. I had just lost the fourth and final match of the SAISA (South-Asia Inter-School Association) varsity pool A try-outs eliminating me from the team.

Considering the amount of time, I had sacrificed from my academics and put into playing competitive badminton, one in an analogous position as me could have easily given up. Freshly transitioning from a different educational program put me under a lot of academic stress, which affected my ability to participate in the co-curricular activities I wanted to. However, a word which members of my family or even my friends would describe me as would be, persistence.

After failing to reach the team for two consecutive years (8th and 9th grade), I finally had the opportunity to play in pool A as singles seed 4. Ultimately assisting the team to an overall 2nd place in the SAISA tournament, winning a consolation goal medal and receiving the Most Improved Player of the Season award.

jjw1711 2 / 2  
Oct 11, 2018   #2
I would rephrase to "... away from victory,: while I had to secure ..." to avoid improper colon use. You could elaborate some more on the transition part and the academic stress.

I think you should rephrase the sentence about persistence. Your last sentence is a sentence fragment, but overall, the grammar is fine and you have a great intro. I think a conclusion would be good just to tie everything together.
Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Oct 11, 2018   #3
Kanishk, your essay only responds to the part about something that you are most proud of about yourself and why. You used 261 words to describe a personal accomplishment alone. You are supposed to write only 250 words maximum for this essay response.

The division of word count is supposed to be 125 words for "Tell us about how your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you then another 125 for your accomplishment discussion.

You cannot use this essay. It will be best for you to write a new response, this time keeping in mind the 2 required discussion topics and writing the essay accordingly. One paragraph for the first part of the essay and one paragraph for the second part.

In its current form, this essay will be rejected by the reviewer and could result in the total rejection of your application in the process.
OP urbestpal 1 / 1  
Oct 11, 2018   #4
Thanks for the feedback. The essay is 249 words excluding the words in the brackets. Perhaps you also had counted the 'most improved player of the season' above my actual response. This phrase was not meant to be there.

Also, I specifically chose to not write 125 words for "Tell us about how your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you" because I felt it would just feel like I was rambling and boasting about specific personality traits I have. This becomes kind of superficial. This is also why I decided to focus more on the 'achievement' bit of the essay. I also felt that beginning with the 'achievement' bit would give some narrative to the response rather than starting from how others describe me.

However, I will try and add more on the other bit as well to make it seem more balanced. Thanks :)

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