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UBC;orphanage;undergraduate essay

Aliyev 2  
Jan 29, 2013   #1
Topic:Tell us more about one of the activities you listed above, explaining what your goals were, what you did to pursue them, the results achieved, and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

They smiled. I cannot find words to describe how real their smiles were. It seemed that I never saw something more beautiful. It was the best payment I have ever received.

I have never thought about organizing something like this before. My mom usually gives old clothes to orphanage and I sincerely offer to give my outfits too. But this year new, contagious idea possessed my mind. Eventually I decided to arrange an event in our school with my friend. The main purpose was to give a help hand to children in orphanage by donating old clothes, we received from school students. We collected almost all items of wardrobe, returning clothing which was too old and leaving others, for 3 days. Finally, when everything was collected, my friend and I went to orphanage. Principal staff gave us permission to meet children. I have never seen someone happier than they were. They have no home, no parents, but they still laughing.

Why even if they have almost nothing they are ready to share? Why when it seems that they have no exuberance in their life they are able to laugh? When did we lose these abilities?

Please check the grammar,style relevance,everything that needs to be improved.
Thank you!
Dr Seus  
Jan 29, 2013   #2
Their lips curled into a smile, one that i could not find the words to describe. The beauty of it all left me astounded mentioning payment seems to be like it's weakening your essay; i'm not saying change it but consider what i've written and reword to your perferance:)

Your essay is good but here are some pointers:
1. Try and find the wording to include what exactly happened this year - what was new? Were you tired of not making an impact, met a friend at the orphanage etc

2. I like you're ending but it doesn't really answer what exactly you learned in the process!

Be clear and concise! Consider my edits and reword to your prefereances.

revise your essay and post again so we can comment!

good luck:)

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