UBC Pers. Profile - An important value that has been ingrained in my mindset is community engagement

Hi, please criticize my essay or change my grammar/sentence strucutre!

WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU? WHY?

(MAXIMUM 1500 CHARACTERS)

An important value that has been engrained in my mindset is community engagement. Involvement among my community and learning outside school's boundaries have been crucial to my development. Growing up in a foreign, modern city, I have always felt a sense of belonging because of the people who support me. Experiences such as volunteering at in a kindergarten class, working a part-time job at a real estate company and intern at Hilton Hotels has each developed a home for me. Not only have they taught me skills such as observation of customers, seamless, effective communication, and social responsibility, but it made me realize how learning and going to school is a privilege and further honed my drive and motivation towards success.

Additionally, I belong to a community of versatile multi-talented dancers. My dance journey started rough, with no friends and teachers to rely on. Yet these failures ignited my drive to excel at something I truly loved and eventually landing a spot in my dance crew, which I now call "family". This crew had the same goal and mission of mine - serving to the community. Our biggest performance attracted hundreds of dancers and used to money to support small dance studios.

Because my community has given me every opportunity and support far more than I deserve, I believe giving back is the least I can do. These small but vital communities have crafted me my perseverance and gratitude towards life.

Community engagement is definitely one of the considerations for this prompt requirement. It is important that the writer engage the reviewer in a discussion regarding the importance of a clear community that he / she belongs to. In this case, the essay should fully develop the importance of the dance community in the life of the applicant. The previous paragraph is just a run down of activities and partcipations. It does not deliver a sense of community and belonging in the same way that the writer speaks of the importance of dance and the dance community in his/her life. I believe that a revision is in order for this essay. Removing the first paragraph and instead, focusing solely on the importance of dance to the writer will be more beneficial in getting to know the applicant on the part of the reviewer.