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UBC Personal Profile - Cupcakes

ieahat 1 / -  
Nov 15, 2019   #1
Question: Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

my oversensitivity

Im almost positive that i have to change my entire essay as it does not answer the question clearly but since everyone (including my family and friends) were describing me as caring, i thought this would be interesting. However, i understand that im not answering the question the way they want it to be answered i guess. Let me know what you guys think anyways. Thank you.

"Why is everyone saying caring?"
"Because you are!"
"Sure, I care about you guys but I'm not that caring"
"You got the school janitor a get-well card"
"She was going through a rough time!"
"Exactly! Most people including the janitor has shared a piece of their life with you solely because we think you're the only person that actually cares".

She was right. I cared for most people. It didn't matter if it was a classmate, the school bus driver or my favourite janitor. I was simply frustrated because the word "caring" seemed cliche and I was looking for something unique to stand out. Nonetheless, I decided to start embracing my empathy rather than turning away from it.

Throughout elementary I remember making birthday cupcakes for kids who didn't have friends to celebrate with because I hated the feeling one gets when left behind. This mindset clearly stuck with me long-term as I initiated a project to fund the education for the less-fortunate children simply because It killed me to think they might feel forsaken.

However, people around me made me feel as if this empathy was futile. They told me buying a birthday cupcake for the lonely kid will not get me anywhere. However, if my sensitivity on human emotion begun with that one cupcake and lead me to my future path of psychology, then my only regret is not making more cupcakes in an effort to make everyone around me feel more acknowledged and validated.
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Nov 16, 2019   #2
Hi! Thanks for coming to the forum. I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, formality is critical when you are writing. Bear in mind that you have to be consistent when you write because you need to incorporate the right amount of appropriateness in your essay. For instance, from the get-go, the first paragraph needs to be made more academic in terms of the articulation. If we read up on what you have now, it's quite obvious how the usage of that many quotations in one go doesn't necessarily add depth to the writing; it also doesn't enhance the writing's entirety.

Try to also merge the paragraph after the quotations and the one after it. By doing this, you will appear to have a more substantiated and weighty writing that doesn't stray far away from what is required from your writing.

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