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UBC Personal Profile: The Idealistic Dreamer

Famai 3 / 6 3  
Dec 26, 2019   #1
Prompt: Tell us about who you are.
How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

I was the quixotically ambitious type as a child. My dream career changed constantly, from an illustrator, to a medical doctor, then a psychologist and finally an astrophysicist working with NASA; all of them inspired by the people I know had made a change in the world. It reached a point where I believed that it was possible to be everything at once. However after receiving my national high school diploma, I knew that I had to start being realistic and reevaluate my ambitions. Balancing my academic achievements, capability and interests, I decided to pursue engineering, the course that ticked all the boxes, and more importantly-- suited my personality.

My peers would describe me as someone who lives by her own rules. In situations where most would find themselves following a certain trend, I would choose to stick to my own preferences. I am not shy to stay true to myself, even if it means that I would be the odd one out. While some would find it strange that I do not follow certain fads, most would appreciate me as being 'my own person'.

I was born when my parents were both in their early forties. As the last child with five much older siblings and mature parents, I was raised surrounded by those who instilled values within myself since I was very young. For that I am proud with my upbringing that has shaped me to become a young adult with strong core values and principles.

Please comment on my content and structure. Thanks in advance!

Maria - / 1,099 389  
Dec 26, 2019   #2
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you a better idea on how to improve your writing.

Try not to overdo your descriptions when using adjectives. Instead of this helping out your writing, it can result into a more difficult pattern. For instance, in your first sentence, you could have stuck with either quixotically or ambitious. Afterwards, try to organize your content purely based on that. This will help add more direction to the writing.

Try to also package your writing in a more effective manner. You can opt to minimize the usage of excessive language when you can. This will help you develop a more intrinsic writing wherein you will learn to prioritize what to say more.
OP Famai 3 / 6 3  
Dec 29, 2019   #3
Thanks for the feedback! Actually, the essay doesn't even have a title, I just included it to highlight the most unique point in the essay. That being said, do you think it is well developed given that there's no 'main idea' to it? Does it satisfy the prompt given?

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