UBC Personal Profile Question 2020 - Response to an unfamiliar situation

Hi guys, I'm an international student from Vietnam and this is my answer to UBC Personal Profile Questions 2020. I would appreciate it so much if you guys could give me some feedbacks on it.

Explain how you responded to a problem and/or an unfamiliar situation.

What did you do, what was the outcome, and what did you learn from the experience? (maximum 200 words)

I've struggled with self - expression most of my life. A lot of the time, I was projecting my insecurities and misplaced my anger on people, which ultimately ended my friendship with the one person I loved and cared so much about. For months, I didn't leave my bed and isolated myself from everyone, mistaking it for solace. One day, I received my dad called, we usually didn't talk much but when I opened up to him, I realized that being able to tell someone that you're struggling felt relieving. It was time I asked myself, "do I evolve or repeat?". Consequently, I spent time reflecting on myself and establishing routines that give me this sense of stability and self-discipline, preventing me from slipping into depression every so often. Coming to terms with the fact that I'm still in a constant state of change allows me to strive to improve myself spiritually and intellectually. I was finally able to have a better understanding of myself as a person and reach out for help after years of internalizing the idea that I'm better on my own. Even though we're in a pandemic, I'm much better than I ever was.

Okay, the reviewer is going to immediately know that you are talking about a personal breakup and you were suffering from the effects of that break-up. Change the topic. Use something less starry eyed for your reference and more mature and adult related. A relationship breakup and its aftermath isn't going to impress the reviewer. The essay actually comes across as very shallow and lacking in seriousness. Sure you are in a constant state of change, but there is no real growth depicted in the essay. There is no problem or unfamiliar situation that helped you develop through a positive outcome that could refer to your preparedness to attend college.

@Holt
Thank you so much for your response. Would it be better if I used the topic in which I was able to overcome my fear of public speaking?

Also, if I want to post a different essay but with this same topic, should I create a new thread or post it in this discussion? Thank you! Yes, you need to create a new thread.