Tell us about who you are
Hi guys here's my personal profile for UBC. I tried to start off with a bit of story by showing instead of telling. Do you think this is effective? Or does it just sound artificial and not from the perspectives of my family/friends? Please let me know what you think in terms of the intensity of this writing.
Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)
In grade eight I decided I will become a lifeguard. Determined to reach my goal one day, I relentlessly trained, and studied as much as I could. I would practice at the pool every week, carrying twenty pound bricks, and swimming laps after laps. Unlike many others, I was able to complete all the training courses without a single failure; and now, I've finally achieved my goal thanks to my determination. My family members describe me as determined because I don't give up easily and I work very hard to reach my goals. I take thing seriously and I always put in maximum effort in order to succeed in what I do. On the other hand, my friends would often describe me as creative because I have unique ideas and interesting perspectives. I can always come up with interesting ways to present my ideas, and my creativity made me stand out among the crowd. Being extra meticulous and detail-oriented had always been one of my proudest traits. This trait has helped me accomplish many things such as writing detailed lab reports, making accurate measurements, and creating beautiful intricate artworks. I am proud of this trait because I have the patience and the skills to perform precise tasks while ensuring that the work is done thoroughly.
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Try to not be a one trick pony. You will bore the reviewer by your constant reference to your desire to become a lifeguard. Surely there are some other aspects in relation to your other interests that you can cite for this essay. Always citing the same reference point in every essay tends to create boredom in the reviewer, who does not get to know you better through this written interview because you are focused on only one aspect of your interests and personality. The reviewer needs to get to know more about you other than your lifelong desire to become a lifeguard. Are you a well rounded person who has developed into adulthood in several ways? Can he consider you an adult who is ready for college? Or are you still a juvenile who doesn't have a vision of a broad future to speak of ? Get over that aspect of lifeguarding and present some new information, if you can. Otherwise, you are bordering on repetitive information which is frowned upon in admissions essays.
This essay requires you to use the second person point of view in reference to telling the reviewer about who you are. Don't show him, he is asking you to TELL him. Don't change the instructions to suit your wants and personal intentions. Don't be creative when it is not required by the instructions. Follow the prompt instructions to the letter. Otherwise, your essay becomes useless. He doesn't have the time to analyze who you are by showing him. He has 50 other essays to read that day. Forcing him to analyze your essay could get your application into the reject pile. Tell him. That is all he wants from you. Tell him from the second person point of view because he wants to know about how other people view you as a daughter, a friend, a classmate, a peer in the community.
I would ask you to write this essay from the second person point of view rather than the first person as you are doing now because it sounds like you are describing yourself rather than having other people describe you. Just change the POV for the presentation, try to find a different accomplishment to be proud of, and work on a smoother presentation of the revised essay. That should help you develop a better essay that shows a different aspect of your personality for the reviewer to get to know and consider during the review process.
You said that you "take thing seriously" Did you mean to say "I take everything seriously?" I would not say that if I were you. Instead, say you are a passionate person when it comes to specific things. You may specify what these things are in that aspect. When you say you take everything seriously, it is a generalized presentation that doesn't really have a particular focus, which means the reviewer will be lost as to what you mean by that statement.