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UBC PERSONAL PROFILE: Tell us more about one activity listed above that is most important to you

isica 2 / 2  
Nov 27, 2018   #1
Hi there! This is my rough draft for one of the admission questions for UBC. Please give me some feedback if you can . Thanks so much!

lifeguard and a water safety instructor

Working as a lifeguard and a water safety instructor has taught me more than I can imagine in a short span of five months. After being selected into the workplace by completing a challenging hiring process summing up to a total of seven hours; receiving the position was a pure combination of hard work, and perseverance. My hard-earned job was a gift, it was a proof of my abilities and a reward for many years of training. After getting hired I was extremely excited to work. I looked forward to joining the community and meeting new people. This job is also very important to me because I sincerely enjoy the welcoming environment and the people who I work with. I feel a great sense of achievement teaching children and watching them improve over time; and being able to take apart of their growth is very meaningful. Guarding on deck is also a big part of my job, where efficient communication with fellow colleagues are crucial. Working as a lifeguard taught me to be more responsible for my actions, for my performance will impact many others such as patrons at the pool and swimmers in my classes. Leading many classes of swimmers had strengthened my communication skills as well as the ability to teach and help others. I've developed patience throughout my experience from teaching children as well as problem solving for any unexpected occurrences during my classes. Working also allowed me to meet people with a variety of backgrounds and I've learned to get along with my colleagues and members of the public. Careful planning and the creation of lesson plans are required for each set of classes, and prior to work I always make sure that I am organized and I have a plan in mind. Thus, working as a lifeguard has helped me develop important qualities such as being responsible, being open-minded, and it strengthened my ability to communicate. This is very important for me because receiving the job was hard work, and I truly enjoy working in such a welcoming environment.
ch15hann 6 / 11 3  
Nov 28, 2018   #2
I'm not sure what the word limit is, but I have edited the beginning a bit

(Maybe introduce with an action of what you usually do during your activity and tie it into your first sentence)
I never knew being lifeguard and a water safety instructor have taught me great lessons. "After being selected ...".

Instead of telling the bolded sentence saying how it was hard work, show how it was hard work, like why was it hard work? why did you think it was hard? Don't tell them it was hard, show UBC. Colleges are looking for you to show.

I like where your essay is going because you really seem to have learned a lot from working as a lifeguard and water safety instructor. But most of your essay is telling. What I mean is that don't say "This was xxx, or this was xxxx". Instead say how "through the seven hours I spent through the challenge, I was finally selected for the position" Do you see the difference? One is really boring and the other really shows how you have put effort and that is what colleges are looking for.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,308 3991  
Nov 28, 2018   #3
Maggie, actually, this is one essay where it is more important to tell than to show. Mostly because the prompt clearly asks you to "TELL" them why this activity is important to you. Therefore, your response is correct and appropriately provides the required response. While you do a good job of explaining why this job is important to you, I feel that you should somehow relate the response to how you developed a sense of maturity when it comes to responsibility, interacting with others, working with a team, and learning from the experiences you come across during the performance of your tasks. The importance of the essay is not only in the reason why this activity is important to you. It's applicability to your college life and conduct as a college student is also of vital importance and consideration to the reviewer.

Tell the reviewer about the important parts and how it has helped you become a more evolved person, ready to face the challenges of college life. Don't show. This is not a show essay. The prompt is clear about that. You will be explaining, not re-enacting in this essay. It is a discussion, it is not about story telling.

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