Hello! This is one of my answers for the UBC Personal Profile Questions. I'd appreciate any constructive feedback that you have! Thanks!
Tell us about who you are.
How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)
Just like many other grade 12 students planning out their future, I like to see the best results out of everything I put my effort in doing; whether it be school sports, extracurricular activities, or academics. Hence, my friends, family, and the people that know me well would describe me as goal-oriented because I always try to finish whatever I set my mind to.
I first joined my highschool's cross country team in grade 8. I wasn't any "prodigy" runner, but I did run a couple of races back in elementary school. Throughout that season, I kept on trying to train and become faster, however, zones came around and unfortunately I wasn't fast enough to qualify for provincials. I then realized that if I ever wanted to make provincials, I had to set this as my goal, and train hard enough to improve myself and reach that goal. My coach at that time really inspired me as an athlete and helped me to train in a better mental space. With this determination to overcome physical and mental barriers, I was able to qualify for BC Cross Country Provincials for each of the next 4 years of my highschool life, with each year the hard work paying off.
@kyliemwong
Hi there. Good luck with your application! Here's my take on your writing; I hope it gives you an idea on how to improve this essay.
Firstly, you have to better the transition between these two paragraphs. Because you merely glanced over the brief introduction in the first paragraph, it didn't really establish a proper link to the second paragraph where the core message of the writing is. For instance, try to insert a small phrase or sentence in the first paragraph where you briefly tackle what you will be expounding in the latter parts.
In order for you to still be consistent with the word count limitations, try to be more elaborate with what you're trying to reiterate. For instance, the second paragraph shouldn't be overtly clustered with unnecessary details - rather, it should be a straightforward story-telling that prioritizes which details should be incorporated (and which should be left out).
