UBC Supplements: "The story of The Last Supper" + "Tutorship in Dabie Mountain"

How do they sound?
I'm just a little bit worried about both essays being too abstract. Is that a little bit vague and hard to follow? Should I add more clarification or change my style of narration to make it clearer? Also, any extra fat that I could trim, cuz I'm running out of word count, although still within the charater limit.

I'll post both essays and any critique is welcomed and much appreciated!!

Describe an educational experience, in school or out, that has changed your view of the world (approximately 250 words/ 1750 characters maximum);
To begin with my own story, the story of The Last Supper must be told.

The painting now resides quietly in a monastery in Milan, with a companion, an art restorer, who has been there for 25 years. At the time she arrived, it was opaque and colorless, dismantled by the inhumanity of war and layers of inconsiderate paint. It was hopeless in its condition; the artist himself would have felt the same if he had had the chance to stand at her position. All that she did-strip away flakes of paint, apply to it a mild layer of watercolor, and highlight its original details-was not enough to bring it back to life. But she continued with her mission, unruffled.

Watching the story in a documentary, I reflected upon my own. I thought about every piece of glorious art I'd seen, whether in a film or a gallery, and its individual history of "destruction" and "restoration". I remembered the singer I loved, dead, of cancer, young and hardly known. I contemplated the ending of One Hundred Years of Solitude, and the shattered memory of the Buendía family. I lamented the accident of my teacher-she lay down at the intersection, breathing heavily with blood bubbling out of her nose.

Wild ruminations, people call them. But I've never escaped from the gravity of such thoughts. To see life in terms of its end, to look at beauty in terms of its destruction, to appreciate light in terms of its eclipse, and to value well-being in terms of its pain and suffering make it all the more profound when I look at myself and the world around me.

That's why I value art, history, culture, and all that we can contribute to the conservation of bits of evidence of our very existence.

Describe the one activity listed above which tells the most about what kind of student you will be. (approximately 250 words/ 1750 characters maximum).
P.S.: I'm really worried about this piece, seems like the story lacks context and tell me if it is somewhat cliched. Remind me, also, if it is OFF-TOPIC.

She, a first-grade girl in my English class, gazed at me, her approaching hand gripping a colored paper heart.

"Is this for me?" Stunned and unable to speak, I was immobile-but I had to leave then.

"Bingo," she said with pride, turning to the other kids who ran all the way to the gate.

"Yes, Teacher, we learnt how to fold it after we had opened yours." Every little hand unclenched, a paper heart inside.

Earlier, I was slightly annoyed when their hands squeezed into my box, competing for the last candy. I was shocked when they followed me reading, in halting but almost deafening voices-"one, two, three ..." These moments summed up their image in my mind: naughty kids.

But this last moment of my tutorship in Dabie Mountain, an impoverished region in Anhui Province, offered me insights into them.

A box of candy could spur their curiosity just to have a taste of it; a list of new words would lead them to read in their loudest voice, to grasp it, and to carve it into their mind; even a little paper heart as a reward for response in class would become their obsession-they studied it closely to see the pattern and reproduced it with a page from the textbook.

I could have scolded them for having torn pages off their precious books, and could have had every reason to dismiss their ways of doing things, on the grounds that I was ten years older.

Yet, it is these years that separated us that made me rethink my formulaic ways of judging people and looking at the world. It is also their youth that made their acute curiosity and passion for life so much penetrating to me.

As I was leaving, I took their hearts and also made a promise to myself-to look at the world with fresh eyes.

Thanks.

Prompt 1
I think you did a good job of conveying your message, but I think the first sentence seem very redundant.
The she you talking about is the painting right? It seem kinda confusing at first so I would advice you put the "she" and "painting" in the first sentence so the reader have a firm idea what you are talking about.


--> You changed the "she" to it?
the artist himself would have felt the same if he had had the chance to stand at her position--> could share her perspective.
Revise this sentence: All that she did-strip away flakes of paint, apply to it a mild layer of watercolor, and highlight its original details-was not enough to bring it back to life.

--> All of her- flakes of chipped paint, mild layers of water color, with some highlight of the original detail- was not enough to bring her back to life.

Google the use of hyphen.
I think you should take out your teacher experience, it seem so negative and irrelevant with the the theme about art.


--> i like this quote :)

Prompt 2
Again these are just my suggestions, so you can feel free to go through and see what is useful

She, a first-grader girl in my English class, gazed at me, her approaching hand gripping a colored paper heart.--> kind of confusing and wordy

--> approached and handed me a colored paper heart.

"Is this for me?" Stunned and unable to speak, I was immobile-but I had to leave then. (What does that mean? Were you in a hurry? If it is I don't think you need to include the phrase in there)


--> oh I see what you mean by you had to go, how about: "Bingo," she said with pride, turning to the other kids who were running toward my direction.

Yes, Teacher, we learned ...

I like your essay a lot. It's very passionate and somewhat heartfelt.
Good luck :)

RyanVi16, thanks so much for the comments, and I'm very glad that you think they are heartfelt.
Regarding the part about the painting, "she" refers to "the art restorer" who was summoned to repair the painting. Is this not that clear? If it is, I guess I would try to clarify a little bit.

Also, I agree that the experience about my teacher is a little bit negative, albeit quite powerful. If I just cut out this sentence, would it be necessary that I still add another relevant experience, about art or something?

Good luck with your application!

To begin with my own story, the story of The Last Supper must be told.---is it better without "with"... ?

I like your way of thinking and reflecting as you write! Here is a place to maybe take out an extra word:
But I've never escaped from the gravity of such thoughts.

For the second essay, I think you do need to write it in a different way. Your instincts are right! They want to know you have a serious plan... a detailed, serious plan. They want to know how you think about your studies and your chosen careers, etc. Write about several specific goals, and impress them with the number of short term goals you have and the work you are already doing to achieve them.

(I do like your second essay; I just think it is strategically better to expound your scholarly intentions in an intense discussion of goals.)