It is my first time writing a college essay so any feedback is appreciated. I feel like as a writer I lack a unique voice so i tried to flaunt my achievements. I would love to listen to your opinions on this.
TELL US ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.
How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)
I got into computer science because I missed a tournament. It was the year 2012 when I got my first laptop , a hand-me-down from my dad. It was also around the time when my parents discovered parental-controls and my gaming time was reduced to one hour, because of this I ended up missing an "important" gaming tournament. Enraged by this I scoured the internet and the solution I found was hacking the software. After a ton of research and after asking basically everyone i ended up at a programming course.
With clear goals I put in a ton of effort in my coding classes. By the end of the course even though I still lacked skills to hack, my instructors were impressed. Seeing my persistent efforts, they allowed me to attend more advanced classes. This was also around the time my academic subjects got interesting. Coding helped me develop two of my treasured traits: extreme curiosity and love for depth of knowledge , which transferred quite well to my STEM studies especially mathematics. Love for which only grew throughout my high school. Now in my senior year I am known as the math guy. Even though I am not the quickest at solving difficult questions, I do solve them. With introduction to proofs and taking my first machine learning course in my final year my desires have morphed to learning more theoretical aspects of computers. I hope to study the same in university and someday make contributions as a researcher in computer science.
1, ... a hand-me-down from my dad. You should fix the word "Hand-me-down" this word does not indicate the item like a laptop , it mean a piece of clothing given to a younger family member or friend because the person who owns it no longer wants it or it no longer fits
2, you also need to separate clearly the opening ,body and the ending
3, This topic is tell us about who you are, i feel a little bit sense of digress( my own opinion),of course it is true that the essay allow you to include something about yourself that you are most proud of and the reason, but it does not mean you tell the story of your whole life, you can write about it, but don't write too much about it, focus on assessing yourself, focus on who you really are and you can know about it more clearly by asking your family,friends (how do they feel about you -I guess their own opinion will be the most honest answer that reflect yourself) and also ask yourself too. All are my own opinions ,I hope these words can help you to improve your essay effectively.^^