UBC Tell us about yourself essay question "Improvement"

Prompt given:

Tell us about who you are.

How would your family, friends, or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (Max 1500 characters or 200-500 words.)

Does the answer to the proud question work and fit with the first paragraph? Overall, is this a good response to the question? Any criticism or advice would be appreciated. :)

If you asked different people in my life to describe me, you'll receive varying yet similar responses.
My closest friends would say I'm compassionate and funny, cheering them up when they're down and helping out when I can. My bandmates would describe me as energetic, enlightening and memorable from the crowd of instruments. Asking my family would get the response that I'm very creative and hardworking in my studies. A bookworm when I'm not studying, working 2 part-time jobs, volunteering at the library, drawing or enjoying the occasional video game. My swim school manager would mention how I'm open to criticism and always looking for ways to improve. If you asked the kids I taught as a swim instructor, they would say that I'm caring and empathetic, yet stern when needed. A couple of my students' parents said that "[I was] the best teacher that [their child] ever had." As, at the time, I was a 16-year-old student, I found this very surprising and flattering.

I am most proud of seeing how my students and my own skills as a swim instructor improve over time. The student's improvements are more obvious; from the first day of nervousness to seeing them smile and ultimately graduating to the next swim level. Watching my own confidence and skills improve over time felt gratifying. I learned how to find new and unique ways to explain difficult concepts or come up with games to educate them engagingly. In all, watching our skills develop over time is something that I'm most proud of.

Do not use the personal reference "I" when discussing the point of view of others. It defeats the purpose of seeing you as a person through the POV of others. Frame the same sentiments to come from a 2nd or 3rd person POV instead. That makes it more prompt responsive since the description cannot be coming from the writer, who is also the applicant. It creates a personal interest where it is not required. Truth be told, there are instances in that paragraph where it is pretty obvious that you are describing yourself from your own point of view rather than the "others" aspect. So that will definitely be noticed and could cause that paragraph to be disregarded from consideration. This is the most problematic aspect of the response and is what should be revised and improved upon.

I am most proud of seeing how my students and my own skills as a swim instructor improve over time. The student's improvements are more obvious; from the first day of nervousness to seeing them smile and ultimately graduating to the next swim level. Watching my own confidence and skills improve over time felt gratifying. I learned how to find new and unique ways to explain difficult concepts or come up with games to educate them engagingly. In all, watching our skills develop over time is something that I'm most proud of.