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My UCAS Statement of Purpose- political science and international relations


IntlIndian /  
Dec 13, 2009   #1
Hey, this is my UCAS Statement of Purpose, I'm not sure if you'll will be able to help as it's for UK but please do try.. grammatical errors etcetera..also is it too boring?

The personal statement is your opportunity to tell universities and colleges about your suitability for the course(s) that you hope to study. You need to demonstrate your enthusiasm and commitment, and above all, ensure that you stand out from the crowd. (My course choices are political science/international relations)

Ajmal Kasab. His name looms large in the minds of Indians since the 26/11 terror attack in Mumbai. That dark day impacted me more deeply than 9/11 because Mumbai is closer to my Bangalore home than New York is.

A year later, while waiting for Kasab to be brought to justice, some aspects of global politics are clearer to me, even at 17. Kasab (and his dead comrades) have, with a single strike, turned to ashes all Indo-Pakistani efforts since August 1947 to be friendly neighbours.

Tuning in to news, I wonder: What makes a terrorist? Did poverty drive Kasab to this? Was he brainwashed? Was he angry because of inequalities between the haves and the have-nots?

If the globe's current leaders do not address these issues, my generation will have to find feasible solutions to end global violence.
My interest in the international community was sparked at 14 when I attended my first Model United Nations (MUN) at Kensri School, Bangalore. I knew little of international policy or protocol as the voice of Lebanon, yet was commended for questioning the Haitian delegate for wrongly representing her country's foreign policy.

At further moot courts and MUN sessions, I updated my knowledge of countries beyond India, their politics, policies and problems. I learnt to be diplomatic, to negotiate and cooperate, to solve problems through innovative thinking. I once defended Israel, in a class discussion on Palestine, though mine was an unpopular stance.

In January 2010, when our school represents Pakistan at the MUN at Harvard, I will be part of the team. It will be tough to defend a country that Indians have had issues with long before Kasab, even before a virtual international body.

By Grade 11, I opted to study political science. Instances of inadequate dialogue and failed political systems, such as those in Pakistan, Afghanistan and some Indian states, intensified my interest.

I saw the Indian judiciary at close quarters when I interned at Aditya Sondhi Law Chambers, Bangalore, in 2009. On our first visit to the Karnataka High Court, we watched the proceedings of a 56-year-old land dispute. After the opening statements, the judge scheduled the next sitting two months later! That made me ask: does the Indian judicial system need complete restructuring?

My friends and family see me as passionate about life and committed to whatever I believe in. I love challenging myself. I had a 91% overall score in the ICSE examination in Grade 10. In Grade 11, I won the all-India Mahindra Search for Talent Award.

Beyond books, I participated in a Rotary Interact Club two-day fund-raising carnival for a slum school building. We took charge of its planning and execution, besides security.

I have paid weekly visits to the Drishya Centre for Learning (Yelahanka) and the Najmus Sehar Girls School (Nandidurg Road). I learnt lessons in life from their underserved children: how to overcome adversity, how to make it to school despite domestic and financial pressures.

I was house captain for my high school basketball and volleyball teams for two years, and took part in 100 and 200-metre sprints, 400-metre relays and the long jump. Our house won the basketball and relay medals for two consecutive years.

I enjoy reading, baking, cartooning, photography, animation, watching movies and documentaries. I love adventure sports, rock climbing, rappelling and trekking, too.
Post 26/11, I long for a peaceful world, not one in pieces. As a first step, I intend to graduate in either Law or International Relations and Politics. A course at your university would help me to gain international exposure, broaden my horizons. I could make friends across the globe, while bringing diversity to your doorstep.

Perhaps this would help to combat all that Kasab and his allies brought home to me on 26/11. I intend to be part of a movement for global understanding and peace.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
His name looms large in the minds of Indians since the 26/11 terror attack in Mumbai.

^As in, all Indians? Doubt it.

Kasab (and his dead comrades) have, with a single strike, turned to ashes all Indo-Pakistani efforts since August 1947 to be friendly neighbours.

^Kasab, and all his dead comrades, has turned into ashes?

It will be tough to defend a country that Indians have had issues with long before Kasab, even before a virtual international body.

^Lets not get over dramatic here. It will not be tough, unless you make it tough, or others make it tough on you.

I could make friends across the globe, while bringing diversity to your doorstep.

^I think you mean, 'from across the globe'. How will you bring diversity to the University's doorstep by the way (Is that the most appropriate place for diversity.) (Yes, that comment is as lame as the cliche you have just used)

Perhaps this would help to combat all that Kasab and his allies brought home to me on 26/11

^Umm. What will?

*General comments

Your essay has very obvious grammatical errors, that are in dire need of being corrected if you want to strengthen your essay.
You do not, in adequate detail, explain what it is you want to study and why you want to study that subject at University.
You do not show any understanding of what the course is about, and what you expect to learn from it and how you will benefit from the course.

You make certain grand statements, such as 'I love challenging myself', yet you dont provide any information or detail that can be used to prove that you in fact love challenging yourself.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 15, 2009   #3
As a way of being respectful to the dead, you might want to say "affected me as deeply" instead of saying "affected me more deeply." When things are at a certain level of horrible, it is better to refer to them all as equally unthinkable. This is only my own thought, and not a rule of style, so I hope I am expressing it correctly.

That dark day impacted me as deeply as 9/11, because Mumbai is close to my Bangalore home than New York is . And now I don't think you should do a paragraph break; just keep writing this in paragraph 1. A year later, while...

Near the end, please tell the second and third steps as well. A person with a plan is a person who can make a real difference.


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