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UCF ESSAY - COMING TO AMERICA; family history, culture and environment


acat6332 4 / 12  
Sep 26, 2009   #1
Ok so this is my first part of the essay for UCF- tell me what you think

prompt: how has your family history, culture and environment influenced who you are?

"As I got off the airplane I realized what I was getting into..." (UCF ESSAY)

ESSAY FOR UCF- FINISHED

ok so this are my two topics, i talk about the first one in the first three paragraphs and the second one after that.

1. how has your family history, culture and environment influenced who you are?
2. if there has been some obstacle or bumb in the road in your academic or persnal life, please explain circumstances

please tell me if i have grammatical errors and tense errors :) and tell me what you think, is really importnat to me :) thankssss

As I got off the airplane I realized what I was getting into, the people around me were speaking a language that I did not understand. The heat surrounding me was interminable and suffocating and my eyes were watery from leaving my home. I was lost and did not want to be there. I missed my family and friends and mostly as I asked myself the question, where do I belong?

This question was probably the hardest one to answer in my adolescence; I did not belong in Venezuela because I wasn't there. Yet I did not belong in Weston because I didn't have much in common with the people I encountered.

Once a person is out of your country of origin they become a person of the world rather an inhabitant of their homeland. I saw situations and circumstances with a different perspective while still attaining wisdom difficult to understand at my age. I became one that immigrates and I stop being part of a single culture, I become an open book in which people can color in, I became a mixture of folklore and cultures. I realized that there is nothing more exciting than to keep experiencing, that rush that you get when the comfort zone is destroyed, when a human being is capable of traveling and experiencing.

As a result I realized that people minds and cultures fascinated me, this experience has made me the person that I am today and made me realize that I have a strong desire to major in a field in social sciences.

"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration". Fear is constructed block by block, first one wall than the other until the point that it has become a cube which becomes rather impossible to destruct.

My fears started my first day of school in the United States. I suddenly felt incompetent. I started putting limits on myself. When the cube was built around me I couldn't hold it anymore, I had to get out. That's when I started focusing on high school, I got good grades and went from a simple class like English Skills to AP English and I devoted myself to understanding and studying the best that I could for every test. I would use the dictionary for every word that I didn't understand and I would translate whole books and charts for new vocabulary. I also started reading out loud in class, without the worry of people misjudging me since I did not care, I was here to learn and I had the same capacity that they did.

Little by little I realized that if I wanted to achieve a goal there were thousands of ways that it was possible and that our attitudes are controlled only by us and our will is what makes the difference.

I hope to bring to the UCF community the lessons acquired from this experience, to teach people that hard work and determination pays off.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 26, 2009   #2
As I got off the airplane I realized what I was getting into, the people around me were speaking a language that I did not understand.

^I think that you knew that ppl where going to speak a language that you did not understand a long time before you got off the plane.

I did not belong in Venezuela because I wasn't there.

^Interesting logic.

Once you are out of your country of origin you become a person of the world rather an inhabitant from just one place. You see situations and circumstances with a different perspective while still attaining wisdom difficult to understand at my age. You become one that immigrates and you stop being part of a single culture, you become an open book and you let people color your pages, you become a mixture of folklore and cultures.

^Why do you use you you you you you instead of I I I I I.
OP acat6332 4 / 12  
Sep 26, 2009   #3
jajajajaja thanks ill make sure ill use more IIIII lol, is the topic good though, how about the style?
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 26, 2009   #4
As I got off the airplane I realized what I was getting into, the people around me were speaking a language that I did not understand.

This is a comma splice. You've spliced together two complete sentences with a comma, creating a grammatical error in the process. Fix it by replacing the comma with a period (best choice) or semi-colon (correct, but less apt).

The heat surrounding me was interminable and suffocating and my eyes were watery from leaving my home.

This is a run-on sentence. That error detracts from the sensory imagery.

Here's how to fix another run-on:

I would used the dictionary for every word that I didn't understand, and I would translated whole books and charts for new vocabulary.

Comma splices and run-ons are two variations on a common theme: Trying to do too much in a single sentence. Go through the whole essay, fixing all of the comma splices and run-ons. Repost for further feedback.
OP acat6332 4 / 12  
Sep 27, 2009   #5
how do i edit this thread?
wannabePA 1 / 1  
Sep 28, 2009   #6
Hey Andrea, very nice passion in your tone of your essay. I think you've got a good one. Your message is quite clear - that your culture is always changing and new ideals are put into you. Are you applying for this winter? I am, but as a non-degree seeking applicant.
OP acat6332 4 / 12  
Oct 3, 2009   #7
thanks :D im applying as soon as i can, hopefully this weekend but yea i'm not completely sure of what i want to study, i like international relations but i dont like politics which doesnt really work out well...:S, so i dont know im just applying to see if i get in :)

this is not my first choice but i like ucf and i wouldnt mind going there
jennyz 6 / 18  
Oct 3, 2009   #8
this is really good
you got the flow of things and got your point across well.

As I got off the airplane, I realized what I was getting into.T he people around me were speaking a language that I did not understand, t he heat surrounding me was interminable and suffocating, and my eyes were watery from leaving my home. I was lost and did not want to be there. I missed my family and friends and mostly as I asked myself the question, where do I belong?
asianbaybay 1 / 10  
Oct 3, 2009   #9
so far so good! you should post it up when you have the whole essay written out. The intro is fine the way it is.
Rosejoker 2 / 3  
Oct 3, 2009   #10
I love your ideas. The way you express your opinion is quite nice.
The beginning paragraph is attractive!!


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