Topic: Explaining a personal bump in the road. How'd I do?? Please tell me the specific paragraphs that need more work, not just generalizations if possible! =)
Life was good, money wasn't ever a problem. There were nice cars, and an even nicer house. A paver driveway some mistook as a parking lot, a patio big enough for over a hundred, and bedrooms with personal living rooms. Life was good, but how good really was it? Was it all worth it?
My dad owned a successful mortgage company and was a real estate investor. Almost so perfect, but then my parents' relationship started going downhill along with the economy. There was never a night where there wasn't a fight, and the fact that I was given two completely different stories on a consistent basis only made me dwell on the problems at home longer.
My father went to visit his family in Egypt, as he did quite often, but after a few months we realized he wasn't coming back this time. My mother was a homemaker who had not worked since her twenties. We were left living in house with a significant mortgage, a new car loan, and about thirty real estate investments. Foreclosure notices frequented our doorstep and we soon had to move.
As a freshman in high school, I had more serious concerns than most people my age. Being accustomed to the phrase that family members are the only people who will always be there for you left me lost and confused. My father and I were close, and although I knew he was unhappy I never thought he would consider abandoning his family as an option. I was crushed. I began isolating myself from friends and family. I let my life be consumed by my academics and worked my hardest to fulfill my new, higher expectations.
So was it all worth it? I can honestly and whole heartedly say yes. It taught me money and budgeting. I always knew I had to be there for myself but this taught me why. The abrupt changes created tough times for my family emotionally and financially, but I learned a lot. I experienced firsthand the troubles of unnecessary and impulse spending. I never want to be a victim of financial problems and I know the only way to achieve financial security is to get a good education and never, ever, ever get lazy. Although it caused a lot of unrest in my family, it helped me figure out who I was, what I wanted to be, and what I needed to do to become that dream.
For me, to improve this piece, it is important to develop the problems that your family had. It is difficult to feel "bad" for you, if I'm being honest, when you are living in a million-dollar house, and it doesn't really follow that you have "no income" when your own "about thirty real estate investments."
To an outsider, it sounds like you shouldn't have had that hard of a time hiring someone to manage your assets in a profitable way. To develop this essay, you should focus more on the emotional toll of your father leaving. This is not really noted here, and I'm sure was the most devastating part. I recognize that this experience taught you to be careful with money, but it seems to me, the more important takeaway here is the lack of importance money has, compared to your family and well-being.
You all had a lot of money, and it didn't save you from this experience (it might have made it worse). Perhaps this is more of a philosophical question, because I shouldn't talk for the way that you feel, but in reading this piece, I feel more emotionally connected to your family trouble, and the subsequent immersion in school work as a coping method.
I would focus on this issue, more than how bad it sucked to have to give up your Mercedes.
