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Why Uchicago essay - I'm not sure about it. Tear it apart...

mchammer 1 / -  
Aug 28, 2016   #1
How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago.

When I first was looking into University of Chicago I was intimidated (and whose to say I am still not). After visiting campus I learned of the scholars and Nobel Prize winners who teach, the internship and research opportunities, the multi-million dollar facilities, the Hogwarts-esque dining halls and housing, and of course the city of Chicago itself. And then I really was petrified.

All of the things that scare me are the things that make UChicago proudly what it is today. While there is an appeal in all these things that draw me to Chicago they are things that you already know and have read about many times. They are not unique to me, or how I got to this application.

After every college visit I write in my "college notebook" reserved for any wandering thoughts I may have that will later be forgotten. Beginning to write this essay I flipped back to the Chicago section. There is general information about test scores and housing, but there was one bullet point that stuck out to me and that was "Has fun molding and unmolding brains and this quirkiness make it special". And the more I thought about it the more reasons I had to attend Chicago. I feel as if the culture at Chicago is one of genuine interest and love of learning, something very different from my high school experience. Curiosity has a place within myself (which often manifests itself in odd facts ranging from the beluga whale to movie facts shared with my friends) Curiosity has a place at Chicago and it is one of the things I love most about it.

Where else can I compete in the worlds largest scavenger hunt, brag about going to Hogwarts, get a book using a robotic arm, attend a mac and cheese festival, and even take a class where I have the freedom to write every paper about Beyoncé?

If I were to come to Chicago I know I would not be the smartest and brightest student there by a long shot and maybe that is what you are looking for. However, even though I might not fit in this way I do know I share a common trait with the majority of people at UChicago and that is the desire to learn about anything and everything. And that is why UChicago.

JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Aug 28, 2016   #2
Dear Molly,

Welcome to the Essay Forum family. I am happy to be working with you today on this important essay.

THIS IS AN OUTSTANDING ESSAY! I love how genuine you are, your honesty, and how you are brave enough to express your fears. Remember that colleges want people who understand how the world works, people who have a heart and can appeal to their emotions. This essay is a perfect example of why we should not think so much of what the committee would think, rather, we should write with our honest hearts.

Now, you do have some grammatical errors, and I am more than happy to help you with those. However, as a last resort, I want you to read this essay out loud once it's finished, and see if you can catch any mistakes. Please make sure you PRINT the essay before you do this. Also, make sure you use your school's resources for tutoring and writing skills. You want this essay to be perfect.

Here are my comments.

Paragraph 1:

... When I first waswas first looking into ...

... Chicago, I was intimidated (and whose to say I am still not) . After visiting the campus, I learned of the ...

... housing, and of course the city of Chicago itself. AndtT hen, I really waswas petrified. ...

You tend to start sentences with "and." This is not acceptable in college essays. You may see it in books, but you do not want to make this mistake while in a college essay. Also, you make a few comma mistakes throughout your entire essay. Please review how commas are used.

Paragraph 2:

... draw me to Chicago,theythese are things that you ...

... not unique to me, or how I got to this...

Paragraph 3:

... I write in my "college notebook, " reserved for any wandering ...

... Beginning to write this essay, I flipped back to the ...

... bullet point that stuck out to mestoodand that was, "Has fun molding and (...) make it special. ". ...

... And tT he more I thought about it, the more reasons ...

Do not start sentences with "and."

... movie facts shared with my friends). Curiosity has a place at Chicago, and it is one of ...

Paragraph 4:

... compete in the world' s largest scavenger hunt, brag ...

... festival, and even take a class where ...

Paragraph 5:

... student there by a long shot, and maybe that is what ...

... of people at UChicago and that is: the desire to learn about ...
And that is why UChicago.Perhaps you meant to write, "That is why I chose University of Chicago." ?

I loved your essay! However, please have someone read it. Ask your English professor. If you want to get in, make sure someone with expertise reviews your essay. I did for my essay to get into Georgia Tech. The essay is great, but make sure it doesn't have any mistakes. :-)

Let me know if you need anything else.

Juan Sebastian Rubio
dinartika19 37 / 67 6  
Aug 29, 2016   #3
Hi Mr. Chammer!

And then I really was petrified => don't use : For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So, in the beginning of sentence.

While there is an appeal inabout all these things thatwhich drawsdraw me to Chicago , they are (...) read about it many times.

After every college visit :After visiting every parts of the college

I thought about it I gotthe more reasons

it is one of the things I love most about it. => it is the best thing I ever see
aikoashiya 1 / 39 26  
Aug 31, 2016   #4
Hello Molly,

To be a little more critical, I would say that you do not fully answer the prompt, especially in regards with the latter half of the question. While you state in your essay some of the things that are attractive to UChicago, you again state that they are not exactly unique to you. You really need to, as the prompt says, be specific about your wishes/goals and how UChicago might allow you to attain them or at least be along the way towards that path.

I enjoyed seeing the bit about "has fun molding and unmolding...", and I think it would do your essay a lot better if you expanded on this part and tried to relate it back to yourself in a way. Why are you so curious? Is it a particular field of study you might be curious about? Are you moreso undecided as to a major and wanted to broaden your experiences? You say a lot of things about UChicago that you enjoy, but I don't really get a sense of who you are as a person, besides the fact that you might be curious (to what?) and enjoy learning. These things are very vague and general.

For example, when talking about the fact that UChicago tries to mold and unmold brains, you might relate that back to Physics and how high school has emphasized the rigorous laws of Newtonian physics, but now exploring the broader horizons of quantum physics you find yourself unmolding and remolding your brain.

Now you may not be a Physics major, but as an example you could try to find something that would work within this similar scheme. This also exhibits that joy for learning as well as curiousity, while also telling a little bit more about your interests without the need to explicitly state that you love learning, etc.

Again, I emphasize you to try not to format your essay as a listing of things that you enjoy about UChicago, but try to show some more of your personality in your essay. The admissions office at UChicago already knows of a lot of the things that people are attracted to, but what they don't know is how they relate to you and even who you exactly are past your app. The essay is a chance to show more of yourself and really show that you belong to the culture the admissions office is trying to create at UChicago.

Hope this helps!

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