Hello! I am preparing for my admission at the Underwood International College of Yonsei University and it would be my honor to have my essay reviewed. It is actually my first time writing a college essay and I would be more than happy to have your comments. I aim to receive admission with scholarship. Thank you in advance. Have a nice day!
Essay 1:
One of UIC's greatest strengths is its immense diversity.
Describe how your own personal background would add to UIC's diversity and why your personal traits would stand out even in such a highly multilingual and multicultural institution.
Throughout my journey searching for theUniversity to which I would dedicate the next four years of my youth, each school left a unique impression on me. For Underwood International College (UIC), its exclusive diversity made it stand out from many other educational institutions in South Korea.
Given the opportunity to study in a private primary school since grade 1, I got exposed to such an English-based learning environment much sooner than most of my peers. Thus, not only did I understand the importance of languages, but I also put more effort into this field and chose to study my third language, Korean, in high school. During three years of high school, while focusing on my academics, I did not miss any chance to enhance my knowledge about the culture of Korea through my curriculum, especially with my native teachers and cultural-oriented classes. As a result, it has piqued my desire to enrich the cultural integration between the two countries by seeking the opportunity to study abroad in Korea and widespread Vietnamese culture in the community there, yet not overshadowing each other.
Furthermore, my high school life also allowed me to participate in diverse programs, and in my first year, I was a camper in my school's orientation camp for first-year students - Ten Plus. This program gave me the courage to break out of my safe zone and sign up for my school's Dance Club, and surprisingly, becoming an ordinary club member was the most remarkable milestone in my high school years. Socializing with people in the club and broadening my social circle enabled me to become more vibrant, improve my teamwork skill and gain the confidence I never had.
With such experience, a year later, I was appointed to be the organizer of the Ten Plus camp with the view to helping freshmen adjust to high school life in a diverse environment. Being an organizer for such an important program, I got to stand in front of approximately a thousand students instructing them to cheer and dance. It also required me to coordinate with others to create the most thriving camp in 3 months, and we succeeded. Correspondingly, by outstanding performance throughout the year, I was also chosen as one of the core team in my Dance Club, leading a group of about 40 members. Although it was challenging to balance my study and extracurricular activities, in the end, I still managed to fulfill my responsibilities. I have matured significantly through this second year, enriching my public speaking and event organizing ability and the most critical skill - leadership.
Moreover, I decided to open a TikTok channel and run some businesses as a hobby. As a study account, this TikTok channel aimed to share about my academic life at my high school and my experiences in learning languages. With my skill in content creating, graphic designing, and video editing, the channel has reached 20.000 followers and successfully promoted the diversity of my high school life. Besides, one of my businesses went global and sold to other countries, improving my knowledge and broadening my horizon about society and people. Therefore, I am eager to learn more about economics and business administration in higher education.
Looking back at my high school life at the Foreign Languages Specialized School - one of the most active high schools in Vietnam with multicultural education as well as various extracurricular activities, I had acquired not only the crucial academic knowledge but also the vital soft skills needed to become one of the global students in the UIC. I believe I deserve to receive admission to the Underwood Division of the UIC as a creative and skilled student.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 The diversity experience of the applicant is mostly based within an academic controlled setting. From the camp to the dance club, these were all diverse, but within a student life context. It does not portray an accurate account of how the student handles diverse settings in an open setting, outside of the school. While the Tiktok mention also deals with diversity to a certain extent, again, it is a controlled or limited environment. How about face to face diversity? Does the applicant have a social circle that will prove his social diversity skills without any training wheels provided by the school or the safe space of Tiktok? The writer also mentions an international business, but fails to mention why it should be considered an international business and how this added to his diversity background. The writer should also make mention of his own race in terms of diversity within Vietnam and explain if this makes his uniquely diverse.
