I'd love if you guys could give me tips on these two essays. These are my first drafts and I will give them to my English teacher tomorrow for editing.
For the first essay, I wanted to include that I took Honors Chemistry and am currently taking AP Chemistry, but I don't have space. I also realize that I speak more about chemistry than chemical engineering but I don't really know too much about it. Both essays are already at 300 words. Any corrections or help would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
- Essay 1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals. Major: Chemical Engineering.
English has always been my "I'd-rather-drink-expired-milk " subject in school. I was never efficient in fondling the details of a poem. I never got it quite right when it came to following an essay format or understanding the significance of a quote in Macbeth. Even as I write this, I struggle with my diction and syntax! However, where I lack in English, I thrive in chemistry. Ever since I was in chemistry during my sophomore year, I had taken a liking to it. From using stoichiometry to performing distillation labs, chemistry has piqued my interest in understanding the natural world that surrounds us.
Everyday, I see the functions of chemistry. When adding salt to boiling water, I think about the intermolecular forces occurring between the water and salt. Whenever I see someone, I cannot help but think that they are composed of carbon, a building block of all organic life. It also amazes me that carbon can be one of the softest and hardest substances(graphite and diamond, respectively). With carbon being so flexible, I yearn to create an element or chemical into something as valuable as a diamond or as helpful as a new fuel source.
Even when it comes to the mathematics behind chemistry, I find the problems challenging, yet rewarding. I love knowing that with every calculation I do, there is a real-life application to it. When finding the heat capacity of a calorimeter, I must consider a wide variety of variables to find a value. This value will determine the heat produced by the calorimeter. I can later use this number to help determine the number of calories in a pear!
Chemistry is both fascinating and rewarding to me. The idea of creating something useful to society using what I love is absolutely awe-inspiring.
- Essay 2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
During my sophomore year of high school, I participated in Relay for Life - an organization dedicated to raising money for cancer research and awareness. My friend suggested it simply because it would be fun. So, I agreed.
At the start, we were lost. We did not have any materials needed nor an idea for fundraising. The first team captain meeting was approaching and there was no captain. With my teammates busy and myself living closest to the meeting place, I had to attend. Throughout the next three months, I attended many meetings ranging from leadership preparation to fundraising ideas. As the unintentional group leader, I was responsible for providing information to my fourteen teammates about forms, deadlines, and ideas.
We began our fundraising by going door-to-door, asking for donations. To entertain ourselves, we got into small groups and made it a game to raise the most money. We later set up a garage sale for the cause. The team pitched in items and baked goods to sell. We even attracted customers by dancing on the sidewalks with signs!
By the time the main event came, we raised over $1700. We joyously entered the event with camping supplies, footballs, and card games. At the event, members are required to walk a track. Along the track are candle-lit bags to commemorate cancer survivors and victims. Walking with my teammates, we stopped at a bag. My friend dropped to her knees and began to cry. We knelt beside her, hugged her, and wept. On the bag was her fathers' name.
Seeing my friend like that made me realize why I continue to "relay." I see the pain that people endure in coping with cancer. I relay so that no other person will ever have to experience what my friend went through.
Important factors considered by the review committee when evaluating the essays are:
- How the applicant ties his or her academic interest to the desired major or, if applying to the Division of General Studies, how the applicant explains his or her varied interests and need for exploration.
- How the applicant showcases his or her passion through chosen activities, work experience, research, or course selection in high school.
- How the essay reveals maturity and growth through past experiences, evidence of character development, cultural insight, community awareness, and/or leadership. Strength of writing is carefully considered throughout all the application essays.
It also amazes me that --- This part is impressive... but it is also a little superficial. It is just random facts. I think you should revise so that it talks about facts associated with your particular plan for the future.
I yearn to create an element or chemical into something (as valuable as a diamond?) This seems like an arbitrary comparison to make. ... or as helpful as a new fuel source.---- Good ideas, but instead of several general ideas and facts, tell us about a specific intention you have. What if you could program your future, deciding all the details about the type of work you would do? Tell us how you envision it.
At the start, we were lost. We did not have any had neither the necessary materials nor an idea abo ut fundraising.
This is a place to use "had"
By the time the main event came, we had raised over $1700.
That is a great accomplishment!
