UIUC essay "THE DREAM LIVES ON" - tell us something about yourself

Essay: In no more than 300 words, tell us something about yourself that isn't covered elsewhere in this application, some interest or experience of yours that you think the University of Illinois should know about as part of the admissions review.

THE DREAM LIVES ON
As I entered the building, I could see many recognized faces/people in there: people whom I have read or heard about in the newspapers or televisions and even people who were Nobel Laureates. You might be wondering this must be a reality show or an important scientific conference, but this was just the orientation program of the highly esteemed Silva Health Magnet School and only few people from El Paso, Texas got admitted into it. I felt myself proud to be a part of it. There were students coming from all over Texas/There were students coming from the big cities of New York and Chicago to the farthest region of Alaska and Hawaii! I really liked it there because all of us had similar interests and goals and I made many friends by the time the orientation started.

The orientation commenced with a video which showed the association of the school with Thompson Hospital, benefits of a medical career, job satisfaction etc. The video was very engaging and one thing that was clear was that being a doctor is a great way to help people: exactly what I want to do. The satisfaction of helping someone, e.g. the feeling of a child who is dying of cancer who then hugs you and says "thank you for treating me", cannot be matched by any other profession. By the time the orientation ended, I felt like I was a doctor myself (I was like where are the patients?). I was really excited to study at that school but sadly I had to come back for personal family problems. That didn't dispirit my hopes of becoming a doctor. I have worked diligently throughout my high school and I hope to achieve my goal by studying at the MCB department of UIUC.

I feel that I've ended the essay a bit too abruptly, so I need help with the ending. Did I describe too much of the situation rather than myself? If I did, then please give suggestions on how to overcome this problem.

You might be wondering if this must be a reality show or an ...

I felt myself proud to be a part of it.

There were students coming from all over Texas/There were students comingand from the big cities of New York and Chicago to the farthest region of Alaska and Hawaii!

The video was very engaging, and one thing that was clear was that being a doctor is a great way to help people: exactly what I want to do.

I don't think you should keep the part that says, 'I was like, where are the patients'? because it sounds kind of immature or not so serious. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)