Could you check my UIUC essay about content and structure not grammar?? It's about extracurricular, cheer-leading when I was freshman.
Essay #2 - In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
One of the most memorable extracurricular activities was cheer-leading. A man in a cheer-leading team sounds little bit strange, but it was quite an experience to me. The performance of cheer-leading team in Korean university is slightly different from other countries. It is more likely about a performance on a stage not like cheers a school athlete team in the football field, for example. Through this activity I got over my phobia, learned leadership and team work, and earn scholarship from school by winning competition.
I had a big phobia in my life, stage fright. It could be any kind of stage that upper than crowd. One day, when I was a freshman, there were a lot of booths introducing their club. One of them was cheer-leading section with a Television set playing their performance. I naturally stopped at the section and start watching it. Their movement was just fascinated. I hesitated to join, because I have stage fright at that time. However, this is the time to change myself because it is the time that one step closer to society. I need to be prepared.
Being in the cheer-leading team was not bad at all. Throughout competitions, I became more confidence in front of other people, and realized I have certain ability that build our team together, and encourage each team player so that he or she could perform better or could not be knocked out of the team. Therefore, I became a leader of the team after a year. It is not only I was good at performing, but also every member trusted in me. After that, we had won in the national cheer-leading contest; we were awarded a scholarship from my college for enhancing school's reputation.
Cheer-leading team changed my life, also made me realize my ability.
This sentence did not seem to make sense, so I will change it:
It could be any kind of stage that upper than crowd. in front of even a small crowd, and I would start to panic. One day, when I was a freshman, there...
I think you should not tell so much of the story, and instead tell the reader what ideas it made you realize. I recommend googling this: thoreau walden full text
Read for one hour, and then you will be thinking deeply about the subjects in your mind. This essay is superficial right now, because it mostly tells WHAT happened instead of WHAT IT MEANS. Spend some time reading Walden and then try another draft.
:-)
