UIUC essay 1 (the fields of business and accounting)

Hii...I do not have a starting for this essay, coudn't think of one... So if it sounds like its beginning from out of the blue, don't mind... Please proof read it and let me know if i relate to the topic and am on track...Thanks!! :)

Prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.

At school, the fields of business and accounting have always drawn my attention. As I hail from a business-oriented family, these subjects ignite within me a passion and a sense of dedication like nothing else. Having watched my dad run his company, I believe I've picked up good entrepreneurial skills. My brief yet enlightening tenure at my father's company in the summer of 2007 gave me a much deeper understanding of the ethics and the principles that operate at the heart of a business. As each day passed, my interest in the field only deepened, which reflected in the gradual contributions I began to make during meetings. A company executive appreciated my enthusiasm to create innovative products. The experience opened my eyes to the wide array of possibilities in the realms of business.

The city of Dubai has played a large part in cultivating my interest in the business world. A desert nearly 20 years ago, Dubai today has land on water, underwater hotels and one of the tallest buildings in the world. This led me to imagine future creations that would alter our lives and how they could be built. My aim is to run a company which develops innovative creations appropriately suited to people's lifestyles. The University of Illinois will help me realize that dream.

My ambition and my sense of determination to learn new subjects, combined with my desire to have adventures, will ensure my success within a rigorous curriculum. Business is the heart of my academic and professional interests, but it is the diversity of intellectual opportunities available in University of Illinois that will help me develop into the all-round scholar I plan to be.

I'd revise the essay to include a lot more specificity. At the moment, you speak in very vague, general terms. For instance, you say that "My brief yet enlightening tenure at my father's company in the summer of 2007 gave me a much deeper understanding of the ethics and the principles that operate at the heart of a business." You could expand on this by giving a description of a specific incident that taught you something new about business ethics. Also, you manage to talk about your father's company without ever specifying what the company does, something you should know if you worked there. Likewise, you say "My aim is to run a company which develops innovative creations appropriately suited to people's lifestyles." That's really vague. What sort of creations (apart from innovative ones) would you like your company to produce?

Here is a fix for the ending:

Business is the heart of my academic and professional interests, but it is the diversity of intellectual opportunities available at the University of Illinois that will help me develop into the all-around scholar I plan to be.