UIUC Essay Help?-Psychology

blah, essay writing is stressful. can anyone help with grammar, suggestions, and sentence structure? please don't hesitate to criticize!

283 words

Essay 1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

White walls engulf the inhabitants of the hospital; this is not their home, but it is the only place they have left. Almost none of the individuals chose their place in the monotonous halls of the hospital. The only bright colors in here are from the pills: multihued bits of momentary relief for the patients. A schizophrenic patient sorrowfully reveals to the camera that she knows that her deterioration is imminent and strays from her train of thought by talking about how much she wants a roast beef sandwich. Her craving for a normal life was what I remembered the most when the video ended. Though schizophrenia had crippled her perception on the world, there was no mistake that she felt abandoned by society.

Psychology is a subject that aims to explore human nature and help people who are carrying psychological burdens. Perhaps that is what drew me to take psychology; it is a subject where I can apply my curiosity of the world liberally through discussion and seeing different perspectives. Holly, the schizophrenic woman in the video, further helped strengthen my interest in majoring in psychology. In my opinion, no amount of money is comparable to the satisfaction of offering compassion, knowledge, and time to positively impact someone's life. I want to be the person that enjoys going to work every day and I want my presence to be enjoyed by others.

I believe the University of Illinois will be a great place to facilitate my interest in psychology, as it has one of the top psychology programs in the nation. From there I will most likely pursue clinical psychology to help better lives of people like Holly through research and kindness.

Standard approach, mediocre execution. Replace your description of the hospital at the beginning of your essay with an expanded anecdote about Holly and your experiences with her. Then, reflect on what those experiences have taught you specifically, rather than just talking about how you want to help people, which is too vague to be worth saying.

its very generic to say you wanna help beter lives. i think you should be specific abt what you want to do.

plus i think tht in the end, you dont need to add why uiuc is a great place. if ur applying there before the priority deadline, they know you really want to go there. since it's only 300 words, i think you should talk more about your interests/goals.