UIUC Essay 1: Psychology Interest

Here's my first draft of an essay I wrote to answer the question of "In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals."

This is the first college essay I have ever written, so some feedback would be extremely helpful. Thanks in advance! =)

For as long as I can remember, the behavior and interaction of people around me has intrigued me. It was all so fascinating! From a fight between classmates due to a simple misunderstanding, to the willingness of some students to do everything physically possible in order to obtain high marks on tests. Why do people do the things they do? This question seemed to follow me everywhere I went as I met more people and noticed more confusing yet interesting behavior.

As I grew older, my interest in the behavior of others only increased as my observational skills sharpened. When my parents enrolled me to an international school, I was introduced to a variety of diverse cultures and personalities which captivated me and fueled my insatiable curiosity I was in an environment where I could observe and interact with a good representation of people from all sorts of different backgrounds. It was a spectacular experience that allowed me to broaden my horizons regarding the diverse cultures of the world.

Eventually, I realized that there must be more people like me. People who cannot find greater satisfaction than that found after discovering the reasoning behind a puzzling observation. With this in mind, I began to search for evidence of accounts by such people and soon discovered the world of Psychology.

To this day, I believe that this discovery was the happiest moment of my life. To think that there was a whole society of people who invested their time and energy to further their understanding human behavior! It was from this point that I had begun my quest to discover all the intricacies and complexities of Psychology.

Word Count: 276

^The parts in bold require grammar revision. Also, how does this 'experience' pertain to your academic interests exactly?


^None of this discusses your academic interests.

There is no insightful reference to your academic interests, as in why you are interested in that academic field, and there is no discussion on your future goals.

Hm. I see I've screwed up the intro completely :(
Could you give me some advice regarding the intro as well? You commented a bit on the rest, but did not mention anything for the intro.

Also, the "captivated me and fueled my insatiable curiosity. I was in an environment where I could observe and interact with a good representation of people from all sorts of different backgrounds." was supposed to have a period

Rewrite your essay according to Leibe's suggestions first and post what you come up with.

^I did not comment because it was quite frankly, a 'no comment' introduction.
It is just boring, and common. Remove it in it's entirety and think of a better way to start your essay. Be direct. Be informative. But never. Never be lame and boring.


^Ok, but all of that has no relevance to your academic interests. There can be a link between this and psychology, I am not denying it. But from what you have provided, you are just rambling off topic.

My next sentence, is very important, and I will have it highlighted in bold
DISCUSS YOUR ACADEMIC INTERESTS AS INSTRUCTED BY THE ESSAY PROMPT.

What do you mean by "the world of psychology." Which writers or theories did you happen upon? Which interested or instructed you? What variety of psychology -- developmental, clinical, neurobiology, ethology, etc., etc. -- is of greatest interest to you? Do you envisions a career in the field? Be specific!