I wrote the essay but I'm not completely confident in it. Can someone point out what i can do to make it better? Should I just scrap it?
The topic is:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
So here is my essay:
"Hand me that gauze, Jacqueline." No matter how high the temperature had risen that day I would have done anything to help my mother. She handled the rising stress with poise and grace, a skill I hadn't yet mastered, and it was her proficiency that had lead me there to that tiny village in Ghana. While I stood beside the small, dirty cot watching her wrap an infected finger I had a strange feeling; I felt like I was in the exact place I was supposed to be at that precise moment in time. Not many get to experience this in their lifetime. Some people spend years searching for the exact feeling I had; with this realization, I knew I was lucky. I didn't comprehend then that my life had just drastically changed, but then again how many 12 year-olds get to spend their spring break in Africa.
The hotel my mission trip stayed in the first night was like a luxury suite compared to the future nights to come. Later in the week I came to appreciate my sub-zero temperature showers, I even grew accustom to the odd tasting dough they served us for dinner. However, it was their lack of medical supplies that floored me. Growing up with a nurse for a mom by the time I turned 8 I was already familiar with medical terminology, dressing infected wounds, the different types of antibiotics needed in every household and all the day to day necessities, as a result when I saw the tiny cabinet stocked only with a few band-aids and Neosporin tubes I knew instantly that this was the reason why I was there.
Throughout the trip all I could do was help my mother and wish that I could be of more assistance. Yearning for that sense of fulfillment I found what I wanted to do with my life; I finally understood that the only way I could fill my desire to help those around me was to continue studying medicine and pursue a career as a doctor. Over the years I continued to hunt this dream through all of my volunteer and academic efforts, so that one day I may return to Ghana and assist anyone that may need a hand in the hopes that maybe I may touch someone's life the way they did mine.
As I walked through the extensive, diverse halls of University of Florida I had the feeling again. I knew the University of Florida was the place that I was going to continue following the dream I had when I was 12. My passion has driven me to work harder in order to achieve my ultimate goal of earning an MD at the University of Florida.
The story is strong and to the point. You start out well, with a vivid introduction, and do tie your conclusion to the story. You need to clean up the punctuation and wording a bit -- it's "suite" not "sweet" -- but your grammar is generally good.
Not many get to experience this in their lifetime.S ome people spend years searching for the exact feeling I had;and with this realization, I knew I was lucky.
