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"My ultimate goal is to save lives" - Ut essay A Statement of purpose


karlayad 3 / 8  
Sep 14, 2010   #1
Statement of Purpose

Essay:

As a 17 year old freshman in college I still had my doubts as to what I wanted out of life. I had no clue as to what my passion was. Persuaded by my father's dreams and my love for mathematics, I decided to choose the challenging major of Biomedical Engineering. I was determined to fulfill this profession with the thought of helping people and making the life of patients, doctors, and heath professionals much easier with new machinery. As freshman ...

I know it is a bit lengthy but i do not know what to omit and what to keep. If there is anything you have to say about it or you think i should completely change my direction do not feel afraid to say so.

Thank you for your feedback.
nicmont93 4 / 9  
Sep 14, 2010   #2
you want your essay to be as concise as possible. so cut down words such as "as to " and just make it "I had no clue what my passions were" also you can replace "as to" with "regarding" in your opening sentence.

Many may ask why so many changes - this clause is awkward. make it "Many may question the reasons behind my numerous field changes ." or something along those lines. be more specific.

My ultimate goal is to save lives, teach the community of preventive health, watch life happen, help those women who are single mothers, those who do not know how to take care of themselves when pregnant. - elaborate on this. describe don't tell and list and flat out give away the objective of your essay.

"I will like to make a difference in the world by working with the most" it should be "I would like..."

hope i helped! just remember to be specific, refrain from telling your story and rather describe it in vivid detail. also cut down on redundant words to make your essay as concise as possible
OP karlayad 3 / 8  
Sep 16, 2010   #3
Success has infinite definitions; it all comes down to who is defining the term. In my case, success accounts for reaching that point of satisfaction in what I do and being my best at it. After an indecisive first year of college I found what I wanted to do with my life. I achieved my freshman year of college switching from engineering to biology to nursing, searching for the subject of my best interest. Throughout my search, I found the health science road to be the one to follow in order to achieve success.

I am eager to start achieving my long term goals as a physician. As I get closer to graduating and entering the work field I find myself reading and researching for such things as diseases, people, health, science, viruses, and more. I am most interested in the formation of a fetus and the woman's reproductive system ever since I saw it in my Anatomy class. I wish to know about prenatal problems, AIDS, the breast, infections, viruses, gynecology in its totality. I found my passion. I cannot wait to treat patients and find more about their conditions. My long-term goal is to become a gynecologist and presence the birth of many children. I am not in it for the money. My desire is to help the most needed. I wish to work with those women who do not have the resources to take care of their health. Those who lack the education necessary to treat them, prevent AIDS and STDS, and unwanted pregnancies. I want to exercise preventive health and inform women about the consequences of unprotected sex and other situations. My job will not only consist of medical abilities but communication between my patients and me. I hope to treat as many women as I can and save their lives from long-term diseases and walk them through their pregnancies. I dream for my own clinic, one such as the Planned Parenthood clinic Laredo counts with. I believe in giving to receive and that is exactly what I am aiming for. I want to help my patients with their most important asset, their health, in order to obtain personal satisfaction by doing what I love and helping others.

Besides my love for science and medicine I also enjoy reading, writing, and thinking. I love mathematics which defines me as a person who is always willing to think outside the fox. My desire to become a physician goes way further then just accomplishing a goal. Becoming a doctor for me is reaching the top of the ice berg. It is proving me that I can use my critical thinking skills, intelligence, and passion to obtain the farthest academic and professional reach for me. Being dedicated, hard-working, outspoken, and concentrated at all times will lead me to not only accomplish what I set my mind to but give the university an outstanding student. I have managed to work part-time, maintain a 3.6 GPA, and exercise my hobbies such as ballet and soccer until this point. Yet, if going into the biological science school of UT and giving it my all to succeed means abandoning my extracurricular activities then by all means. I am willing to give the university, the school, and myself the outstanding student I am.

Finding the best way to obtain your goals is not an easy task. After hard work and a long search, I found my perfect match: The University of Texas at Austin. I find this university to be of my best interest. It counts with great advising and mentoring for medical school. The variety of majors within the biology fields is amazing. Neurology, microbiology, human biology, they all sound perfect. With the universities abilities to create great students, professionals, and members of society and my hard work and dedication I know I will get the basis to achieve graduation, medical school, and gynecology specialization.

Hello. I just went to the writing center at my university and they collaborated with me to changed my essay to the point where it had to be changed completely. Please give me your feedback on this, I really appreciate it!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 17, 2010   #4
doubts as to what I wanted out of life. I had no clue as to --- I like the revised version without this!!! Great improvements...

Throughout my search, I found the health science road to be the one to follow in order to achieve success.-- is success the right word here? Maybe you mean "my ideal of success." Or maybe you can think of another word that is much better than success...

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
I believe in giving to receive, and that is exactly what I am aiming for.

Fix this funny typo: willing to think outside the fox.

My desire to become a physician goes way further then than just ...
Don't say way further, and also, be careful of the difference between then and than.

You write very well, and your seriousness is apparent! I think this will be a success..
This is very impressive, 10/10
OP karlayad 3 / 8  
Sep 17, 2010   #5
Thank you!
the "10/10" means a lot to me.
I will fix everything you told me.
Thank you.


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