Hey!
So this is my 250-word essay for Umich's supplement. The prompt is pasted below.
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
It takes about ten seconds to recognize that my house belongs to an Asian family. Perhaps it's the Chinese scrolls hanging throughout the hallways, or the jade Buddha figurines, that would clue you in. Maybe it's the smell of sizzling dumplings wafting through the air, or the babble of Mandarin Chinese flowing from the TV set, playing yet another maudlin Asian drama. But even amongst the traditional Asian sights, scents, and sounds, lies hints of my family's Americanized lifestyle. Next to a giant stack of Chinese newspapers in the family room, an equally large heap of TIME, CosmoGirl, and Men's Health magazines resides. My mother speaks Mandarin and Cantonese fluently, but often resorts to Chinglish-as observed each time she calls me to assist with dinner: "Jiang re ting! Help wo zhuang the dinner table, hao ma?" American hip-hop and rap fills up half of my iPod, while the other half consists of Chinese pop. In elementary school, my classmates would ask me, "Christine, are you Asian, or American?" At nine years old, I hadn't known which culture to choose.
Over the years, though, I've learned to form a peaceful balance between the two. When my grandparents flew from Nanjing to visit us last month, I was their translator and English teacher. And each year, I invite my American friends to attend the local Chinese New Year Festival with me. I do not consider myself part of two separate cultures; rather, I aim to be the bridge between the two.
honest feedback is much appreciated. thanks!
Hey!]
Your essay is impressive, effectively showing the confusion of your identity. But it also succeeds to show that you overcame it and found a point between Chinese and American.
I could not see any grammatical error (probably because my English is not good enough), and I could see the nice transitions between sentences.
Nice Job!
This is perfect. Hah ha, I cannot find a single sentence that I think you should change. From the "hook" at the beginning to the contrast you provide in your examples of cultures... and that great sentence about not knowing which culture to choose, it is all great!
So... really, I think you should submit it.
Excellent essay, very well done. If there is room, would recommend adding a sentence or two to show how you transitioned from "didn't known which culture to choose" to "learned to form a peaceful balance between the two."
