I would greatly appreciate any feedback that you have! Thank you!
Question:
Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?
Guided only by the yellow seam of light escaping from the bottom of the bathroom door, I walked on the squeaky floorboards through the unlit hallway. I turned the knob and pushed the door, until I heard a thud. Rubbing my tired eyes, I leaned towards the open crack to see what was obstructing the door's path. My eyes grew wide as I came to realize that my father's unconscious body lay on the floor. A gust of foul breath hit my face as I realized that my father had passed out from excessive drinking. With the image of the pitiable alcoholic engraved into my brain, I felt a rush of disappointment and pain; this was not the father I knew. This was only the first of the many nights that I would live in fear of his addiction.
The repercussions of my father's alcoholism were deeply felt by all the members of my family. His addiction was a betrayal, and the pain it caused was profound. In the daytime, my father was the caring, gentle, and strong man that raised me, and supported me. At night, he was a boorish, weak, and pitiful man who was a stranger to me. As a young child, I was confused by the contrast in his different personalities, and intensely afraid of losing the father that I knew and loved. I was ashamed of his dependence on a material substance, and disheartened when I realized that the man that raised me was so pathetic.
Because of my young age, I was unable to truly confront my father of his drinking habit. I did not know what to say to make my dad realize the pain that he wrought on my family and himself. And so, I chose to have faith and patience in my father, and to be there for him. Every night, he had a family to come home to, and I hoped that our presence would be enough reason to quit. Every night, before going to sleep, I prayed that God would give my family the strength to prevail. I never hated my father, nor did I attempt to run away from his problem. For the sake of our family, he needed to quit his addiction and I remained by his side to remind him of that. Because I loved my father, I did not, and could not give up on him. In time, my father realized that he had to quit, because he loved us in return.
Even after my father had rid himself of his dependency on alcohol, my family was still in recovery. Although I did love my dad, forgiving him for his betrayal would take time. In truth, my family's struggle with his addiction made me a stronger person, and has equipped me with the necessary tools that are required to face the many obstacles in my future. If I ever encounter a similar setback, I can confidently say that I will be able to confront the situation as a maturing adult with even more fortitude and trust.
Guided only by the yellow stream of light escaping from under the bathroom door, I walked on the squeaky floorboards through the unlit hallway.
Because of my young age, I was unable to truly confront my father about his drinking habit.
Every night, he had a family to come home to, and I hoped that our presence would be enough of a reason for him to quit .
Wow, powerful essay! You wrote,"his addiction was a betrayal..." and really said so much in a short sentence. I know what you mean about that, and I'm glad your dad made it out, most people with the disease of alcohol do not.
Good luck in school!
:)
I'm still open to any comments that anyone may have. This essay is also doubling as my Common App essay so it is important that I get this neat and polished!
wow, very touching story. your story is definitely going to stand out. very descriptive...um in terms of the actual significance of the event, i don't quite seem to grasp these 'tools' you are talking about. personally, i would buff up the end with a bang! i guess its perspective, but just tryin to help!!
Thanks yee. Everyone has told me the ending is too weak. It ends to abruptly, but I'm having writer's block! Your comment has officially motivated me to expand on the ending.
If anybody has any ideas of how I can make the ending better, I would really appreciate it!
This is my attempt to make the conclusion stronger and more meaningful:
(...) Although I loved my father, learning to forgive him of his betrayal was a struggle in itself. Inside, I was torn apart; I could not forget the pain my father had caused, but I knew he deserved to be forgiven. Months went by, and the father I knew and loved returned. Time eventually healed my wounds, and my family was stronger than ever. I learned to look to the future using the lessons of strength I have learned from the past. If I ever encounter a similar setback, I can confidently say that I will be able to confront the situation as a maturing adult with even more fortitude and trust. The battle was over, but I never forgot the scars it left behind.
Any comments? I'm not sure about my word choice or the sentence structures. Please help and I will try my best to help you in return! :)
"my family wasis stronger than ever"
"Although I loved my father, learning to forgive him of his betrayal was a struggle in itself"
The "him of his betrayal" is a bit awkward.
Hmm...It sounds rather similar to the original ending. I like the last line that you added though! You should try to make the ending more concise and powerful. Good luck!
Thanks Linnus :)
I've made another revision at the end.
Any other comments?
Although I loved my father, learning to forgive him betrayal was a struggle in itself.
Months went by, and the father I knew and loved had returned. Time eventually healed my wounds, and my family is stronger than ever. The lessons I have learned from this experience have, since then, impacted my future. Those battles are indeed over, but the scars still remain.
I'm not sure if I should add:
"If I ever encounter a similar setback, I can confidently say that I will be able to confront the situation as a maturing adult with even more fortitude and trust."
I feel as though my conclusion does address the prompt of what would I do in the future, but I'm not sure if it is specific enough.
"Although I loved my father, learning to forgive himhis betrayal was a struggle in itself."
Wouldn't it be "love my father" since you still love him? I'm not sure.
I think "I was torn apart inside" is more direct than "Inside, I was torn apart", but it is probably just a difference in style.
"The lessons I have learned from this experience have, since then, impacted my future."
This is too wordy. Also, how does something "impacted" your future? I don't think the tense is right.
I believe something like "The lessons I have learned from this experience had a big influence on me." will be better.
"If I ever encounter a similar setback, I can confidently say that I will be able to confront the situation as a maturing adult with even more fortitude and trust."
This sentence is rather wordy and awkward. I don't think you should add it. But you need to somehow answer this: "If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?"
Good luck!
I love your essay tofu. It's simply amazing, and very engaging. I couldn't remove my eyes from the page! You def. answered the prompt, and you managed to show how this setback made you stronger, which is hard to do. Great job!
