uMich supplemental essay #2 ; I want to be free to ask questions.

I need a review ASAP since the deadline is tomorrow. The prompt is "Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests?"

When I was in grade 9 I had a chemistry teacher who had the kind of personality that somehow forced even the most unruly students into a quiet reverie. During his lectures, the only time a student would interrupt would be to ask questions. However, even this privilege was all but lost when a student asked him a really naive question.

I still remember the teacher's bulging eyes and red face as he heard the question and started a tirade against the 'stupidity' of the student and stupid questions in general. I have always had a fascination with asking questions but I never thought that a student could be yelled at for asking one however naive it may be. For the first time, I realized what it meant to fear asking questions.

While I may have backed down several times from lifting my hand during the chemistry teacher's classes, I never lost my inquisitive nature. I created my own Facebook Page specifically to post the naive questions I encounter while pondering about nature. The color of the skies, the flow of water from a faucet, the movement of wings etc. provide me with intriguing questions that are humble and yet have answers that can only be arrived at through scientific endeavor. In the University of Michigan I am sure I will not only be as free to ask simple questions as I am on my Facebook page but I will also be able to carry out the scientific inquiry required to answer these questions.

I want to use the wide variety of experimental and theoretical research programs open to undergraduate students in Physics to answer the abundant questions I have about the physical world. I want to go on field trips as an Earth and environmental sciences major and experience the exhilaration of applying my scientific knowledge on real world settings as well as increase my spectrum of questions. I want to develop the unique chemical perspective of life that an uMich major in biochemistry will provide and be able to ask questions that I am not able to think of now. I want to Go Blue.

"When I was in grade 9 I had a chemistry teacher who had the kind of personality that somehow forced even the most unruly students into a quiet reverie. During his lectures, the only time a student would interrupt would be to ask questions. However, even this privilege was all but lost when a student asked him a really naïve question."

Pretty well written. Good pace, good flow, reasonable conclusion. Relevant problems are at the sentence, phrase, and word levels. I recommend a comma after grade 9 to ease readability. The first two sentences are stout. What's great is they're intriguing. The reader wants to know more. The third sentence is unwieldy and sub-par for multiple reasons.

To preface, it's a surprising twist to the mystery; the teacher is not captivating -- instead, he's dictatorial.
The sentence betrays that the intrigue leading up to it was merely accidental. The sentence heaps on presumptions based on the thinking that it's readily apparent why the students are acting unusually. The sentence defeats its own emphasis ("even") with the feeble qualification "all but lost." On top of that, the gratuitous restriction of "...really naïve..." depredates the sentence. Extreme circumstances call for atypical treatments. Therefore, the point being made is perceived as uneventful. What's worse is you undermine your subsequent rhetoric by disclosing that the really naïve questions were blasted. You must be sophisticated in your own right to make the judgment that something is really naïve. You don't necessarily portray bias by calling something naïve, because it's a good chance the thing is naïve.

Bias isn't apparent by the use of an adjective in and of itself. Bias is often revealed when you attribute a certain degree or intensity to an adjective. You must be well versed in the putative trait to do that; otherwise, how could you describe the descriptor?

Mustafa1991
I am quite aware of the gratuitious restriction of the word 'naive'. The reason I went with it is that I don't exactly remember the question that my classmate asked. I just remember that we all thought that his question was not what was expected of a grade 9 student. I would'nt have written about this incident if it didn't have such a huge relevance for me to go to university. Thank you for your response by the way. I really enjoyed reading it. I didn't realise how anti-climatic the third sentence is in relation to the first two sentences until I saw your response.

I created my own Facebook Page specifically to post the naive questions, while I encounter pondering about nature.
While, subject + verb, subject + verb.
Subject + Verb, while subject + verb.


This sentence has poor structure.
It provides many intriguing questions that are humble and yet have answers that can only be arrived at through scientific endeavor.

Hello Jawad, in my view your essay is not have good enough coherence and cohesion, it is the pattern which is usually used by me.

Essay pattern:
1. Intoduction : (paraphrasing title with hook to persuade readers are more curiously to read more and you have mention thesis statements which are defined in the body)

2. Body 1 : Detail explanation of thesis statement 1
3. Body 2 : Detail explanation of thesis statement 2
4. Additional information (writer opinion or additional information which relate with thesis statements
5. Conclusion